Going Through The Emotions…

Hello everyone!

It appears to be the longest time since I have sat down and have written a blog post and that makes me so sad but in all honesty, I have just been so busy with life and as the title says going through all the emotions. If you read my blog quite regularly you will notice over the past couple of months I have been quite absent and haven’t been posting as frequently as what I usually do.  Truthfully, I just haven’t written much on here because I am definitely one of those people who won’t rush content and just put something up because I need to. No. I will only ever upload something if I feel 100% happy and proud of what I have done and these past couple of months I have been going through a really hard time and I just haven’t felt inspired to write or felt the need. I just wanted to keep things to myself and not put up content that I wasn’t proud of or happy with.

I know this may not appear to be the case because I have been on holiday so much these past couple of months and if you follow me on my Twitter or Instagram all you will have been seeing is my holiday photos and a rather happy me. However, that doesn’t mean I don’t have things going on behind closed doors. I post the things I do on my Instagram and Twitter because it makes me feel happy and it makes me feel better. Also, just because I only share the happy and positive moments in my life, doesn’t make me fake it just means I want to keep some privacy against some of the personal things that are going on in my life. Therefore, I don’t want to be positing about them and thus I won’t be going into detail about them on here. I just wanted to make this post as sort of an update post.

I know everyone goes through tough times and everyone is fighting their own battles that none of us are aware of so I know it is so important to always just be kind and respectful to everyone. You never know what they are going through. Life isn’t easy and even though I have taken a break from blogging I know it was the right decision and has definitely help keep some space and clear my mind and thoughts. It has been so important for me to have just switched off from everything and distance myself from everyone so I could figure out for myself what I really wanted without getting influenced by others.

Having hit the lowest point of the last couple of the months the other day, I have finally decided that it is time to move on from all this and help myself and get myself back to where I was. It isn’t always easy when you feel like the world is against you and if any of you have bad luck, like I do, when something goes wrong for me, everything goes wrong all at the same time! I know that everything happens for a reason and what will be will be.  Life challenges you to make you stronger and to give your experience and lessons which will ultimately be very important. I know that even in these difficult times I am very lucky and everything will work out okay in the end, it just takes time. Meanwhile I just need to look after myself and put myself first and love who I am and focus on doing what makes me happy and what I love. Therefore, I hope you return to blogging as usual and to just be filling my life with lots of love and laughter and to make those dark days just a little brighter.

For any of you who have been feeling like me and have been going through some difficult times I just want you to know you are not alone, everything happens for a reason and everything will be okay in the end. You just to have to believe and give the situation time and be patient with yourself and also give yourself time to recover and become stronger.

So, on a happier note, I have decided to just take control of everything and try and move forward the best I can.  It won’t be easy and it will take time but I do want to return to blogging so I hope you can just be patient with me a little longer while I get back into this and I can’t wait to be making content again. I have missed talking and chatting with you all. Also, if you have any suggestions for posts you would like to see then please them below in the comments because I am always looking for new and interesting ideas.

Much love as always,

Lizzie X

P.S. Please don’t forget to go and follow me on my Instagram and Twitter. I am active on those daily and I would love to interact with you all more and talk about more things. Recently on my Twitter I have just hit 1000 followers so thank you so much!! I do appreciate it!

Twitter: @Life_WithLizzie

Instagram: @LibWalton_9

Visiting Vienna!!

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Today I want to share with you some of my photos from my trip to Vienna. Honestly I have tried to cut down the photos but there are just so many I want to share with you all. Luckily though I did manage to not include them all! I had the most amazing time sightseeing and exploring the city. We went to so many palaces, parliament, cathedrals, museums and even visited the film festival too. Vienna really was so beautiful and the buildings are honestly so stunning and massive. Most of the time you couldn’t even get the whole building in the photo! The city centre was stunning and of course we had to stop to do some shopping. We visited lots of local cafes and restaurants and some of the best cake and ice cream ever. It tasted SOOOOOO GOOD!! We actually stayed in a small apartment on the Danube Canal and it was so pretty and quaint. It really wasn’t that far from the centre but was so much cheaper than staying in the centre and was so worth it. Unfortunately, as you will know if you follow me on instagram, I did get food poisoning whilst I was there which was awful but I still had a fabulous trip! Vienna is seriously one of the most beautiful cities I have ever visited and I enjoyed all of it and have some of the most amazing memories to look back on!!

Much love,

Lizzie X

Keep up-to-date with my by social media 🙂

Twitter: @Life_WithLizzie

Instagram:@libwalton_9

First Year Uni Lessons… What I know now!

Hey everyone!

Today I am going to b sharing my first year uni experience and some important things I learnt along the way. I hope you enjoy and this helps you out if you are just starting university this year. Also, let me know if you can relate to any in the comments!

  • You are responsible for your university experience. Everyone’s experience will be different and unique but for you to get the most out of the experiences, it is up to you to put the effort in, be sociable, attend classes and do you assignments. You are the only one who can determine how happy you will be and it will be your choices which will shape your experience. The lessons you learn at uni are so important for your own personal development and your future and really do extend beyond the lecture halls and your seminars. University gives you so many important life skills as well as a degree.
  • These next two are unique to me I am pretty sure but the first one is I have found out that I cannot use a tin opener at all. I must have broke at least 3 this year and so eventually I had to resort to buying pull cans. I don’t know, tin openers just never worked for me.
  • I have also discovered that I am the worst at opening jars. I cannot open jars at all. Uni and opening jars usually consisted of me messaging of my flatmates, ringing my friend from another block or ringing my boyfriend to come around and open my jar for me.
  • Time management is essential. I am usually pretty good with this but uni was a whole new world and an experience I had never had and so it made things challenging. I was definitely not the worst at this (many of my friends started the night before and was working frantically on plenty of coffee until the deadline), however I was not the best either. I mean my assignments were always submitted the day before but I was always guilty of having 6 weeks to due an assignment and leaving it until a week before to start it. I do not recommend. Also, start your revision for your exams in plenty of time to avoid stress!
  • Explore! You’re free and independent. Make the most of it. Don’t confine yourself to your room and the uni. Explore the city, local towns and villages, hop on the train and go places near by. Go to museums, galleries or exhibitions. Make a real effort to go out and see different things, eat at different places and try new things.
  • Take yourself out of your comfort zone. Uni is terrifying and it is a whole new start and you will be scared and shy but take that step and be confident approach people. Everyone is in the same boat as yourself and people want to make friends and so they aren’t not going to want to talk to you if you speak to them.
  • A lock on your cupboard is a good idea!
  • Work hard but play hard.  Enjoy yourself. You’re young and you only live once so make the most of it!

Thank you so much for reading and I hope you have enjoyed this post. I thoroughly enjoyed first year and I cannot wait to see what the future holds and what next year brings. I have met the most amazing people and I am so thankful for all of them.

Also I have just hit over 500 followers on my Twitter and so close on my Instagram. So if you don’t follow those I would be so grateful if you could show me some love and follow back and say hi! They will be linked below. I love you so all so much! Much love,

Lizzie X

Instagram: @thiz_is_lizzie_xx

Twitter: @Life_WithLizzie

Marriage, YouTube and Bullies???

Hello everyone!!

Today I am answering some of the most frequently asked questions that I recieve. I hope this answers a few things and you enjoy! I always find these posts super fun!

  • Do you ever want to get married? – As a little girl, for sure. I definitely wanted to and even now I know that eventually I want to get married I am just far more sceptical and cynical. As you grow up you realise that things are not like the movies and there are lots of crazy situations that happen in life. I do want to but I know it’s huge commitment and I would be so scared of things going wrong, but yes one day I would love to get married.
  • What is your top/dress size? – I am a UK size 10 in pretty much everything, occasionally an 8 in tops.
  • Do you have any diet plans/tips? – If you have been reading my blog for a while you will know that I have struggled with my weight my entire life and now I don’t like to think of eating healthy as dieting and I know I won’t diet again because it just doesn’t work for me and it messed up a lot of things. So, for me, the best advice I can give is to eat everything in moderation; eat the correct size portions, make sure you are eating healthy and balanced diet making sure you are getting all your nutrients etc and that you are exercising and listening to do your body. Also, don’t forget to drink plenty of water!!!
  • What do you enjoy doing in your spare time? – I really don’t get that much spare time when at university and working but now summer is here I am looking forward to consistently blogging, reading, exercising, travelling and spending time with my favourite people.
  • What do you value the most in life? – I value people who love me and respect me and are honest with me. People who bring out the best in me and really want to enjoy life and be positive Oh and of course someone who can make me laugh and smile.
  • What do you do? – At the moment, I am a full-time student studying History at the university of Leicester and I am also a part time athlete at Nike.
  • What is my dream job? – My dream job would be an entrepreneur and have my own business or to be a successful author… one of those. Both would be ideal!
  • What are some of your top tips for being a teenager? – Just know that your teenage years don’t last forever so don’t worry and stress out and enjoy them. School doesn’t last forever. Don’t get caught up in trying to be popular it isn’t worth. I know how hard it is these days with social medias and getting likes and followers etc but trust me those people who are popular in school and you think you want to be like you really don’t. My boyfriend and I were chatting about this the other day and we were saying how irrelevant your popularity in school is as soon as you leave school. The girls who use to get all the attention from the lads and were getting hundreds of likes on their profile photos and Instagram photos, maybe be get like 10 these days. Honestly popularity doesn’t last forever and people move on from school and things change and you meet new people so don’t stress about it. Funny story here… I was in this tutor group with this guy for 5 years he even asked me out, which I politely declined, anyway added me back on snapchat the other week for him to send me a snapchat asking who I was. Hello!! I was in your tutor group for 5 years and saw you every day for 5 years. So awkward! Anyway, point to the story I clearly wasn’t popular and apparently not even remembered but I am and have someone who loves me and it just doesn’t’ matter. In fact, people even come to realise how much nicer and more beautiful and attractive you are in your own way.
  • Did you know what you wanted to do? – I didn’t know what I wanted to do and I still don’t know what I want to do. Which I guess is one of the reason I wish I had taken a year off and properly considered my options but nevertheless I am still enjoying university.
  • What are some of your top tips for friendships and relationships? – Friendships and relationships are a lot of effort but they are the best thing to put time and effort into and invest in. I am one of those of people who cannot be bothered with those people who put minimal effort in their friendships and just don’t take the time to care and love you. I am for sure one of those people who give 100% to everything including friendships and relationships. So, don’t waste your time on toxic friendships and relationships or surround yourself for negativity.  Just be yourself, be relaxed and chilled. Let your friends and partner do them and you do you. Don’t try and change anyone of let people change you. You be who you are and the right people will love you for who you are. Also having a select few friends that you can definitely count on his so much better than having a tonne of friends who have sometimes got your back.
  • What would you like to say to your 14-year-old self? – DON’T STRESS! Nothing lasts forever so don’t stress and worry about things. It is a waste of time and doesn’t help anything. If it isn’t going to matter in 5 years’ time then don’t stress or worry about it. It just makes you miserable and grumpy and stresses you out for no apparent reason. You start to get so confused and overthink everything and then it just goes downhill from there.
  • How did you deal with bullies in school? – I actually have a post all about my bullying experience so check that if you haven’t already because it explains everything but my main piece of advice would be to not give people satisfaction of letting them know they are getting you and annoying/upsetting you. Even though it will hurt and you will be sad for some reason bullies thrive off knowing they have achieved it so don’t give them the satisfaction and turn a blind eye to it as best you can. Some people will do anything to see you fail and fall and bullies love that. The less attention you pay to them the less they become interested in targeting you because they don’t get a reaction from it and so they don’t see the point in it.
  • Did you ever find it difficult finding out who you were? – YES! Omg it is so difficult. Especially in school because that is such a confusing time. Even to this day I am trying to figure out who I am because every day we are changing, growing and developing as humans. So, I am still struggling to figure out who I am and it is confusing and difficult. Just let it take its natural course and don’t worry and stress out. Everything will fall into place eventually.
  • Why don’t you make YouTube videos? – I do have a channel with some videos up but I don’t think anyone watches them or will watch them or find me interesting.

Much love,

Lizzie X

Instagram: @thiz_is_lizzie_xx

Twitter: @Life_WithLizzie

Life Update.. Where have I been???

Hello everyone!!

It has seriously been the longest time since I have sat down and blogged. I have just been so incredibly busy this past month and unfortunately, I haven’t got around to writing a post. I have missed uploading so much and missed just being able to chat with everyone and share what has been happening. It has felt so strange since I have started documenting you most of my life, experiences and important memories here! So, where have I been?

First, I had my University exams. The final week before my exams I just wanted to take a break from my blog and social media and full focus on my revision and exams. I just wanted to concentrate on my exams. I even booked time off work to do my exams. After my exams finished it has been so full on, which is funny really because I was now finished with my first year of Uni and didn’t have to revise. However, I was working a tonne over the next few days after finishing my exams and then my life got taken over my moving.  I had finished first year now and I needed to move out of my accommodation and go back home and it was so stressful and I had so much to pack up, especially since I was self-catered the first year. I actually didn’t realise just how much I had taken with me and how much I needed to pack up and move. Sorting out my entire room, cleaning it, taking down all my posters and photos and moving everything really did take up so much time! Also, after my exams and then working a lot of hours at work and then packing up I just felt like I wanted to take a step back and relax and actually have some time to myself so I did.

So, I moved on from Uni on the Wednesday 7th June and on the Saturday (very early in the morning), I was heading to Portugal for a week. I had so much to unpack and then I had to pack my suitcase and get travel money and sort out documents and my car ready for the journey to the airport – I really just didn’t have a minute. Also, the Thursday was the General election so I voted in that and then wanted to spend most of my time keeping up-to-date with the election because politics are important to me. After all that, Saturday came and I headed off to Portugal and I really wanted to make the most of my time in Portugal and spend quality time with my boyfriend and just enjoy living in the moment and enjoying the experiences I was having and creating amazing memories.

That’s how crazy everything has been recently. I got back from Portugal early this morning and been to work today so I am looking forward to relaxing, writing more blog posts and catching up with everything. I have so many episodes of Love Island to catch up on – let me know if you are watching it and what couples you think are a match! I am excited to just get back to a little bit of normality. I had the best time away with Portugal and I cannot wait to share my experiences with you. If you head on over to my Instagram then you can see a sneak peak of my holiday and the activities I got up to.

Thank you so much for you continued support and I hope this has explained a few things and I hope to get back to regularly posting. Again, thank you so much and I will see you soon. Much love,

Lizzie X

Instagram: @thiz_is_Lizzie_xx

Twitter: @Life_WithLizzie

 

Bullying… My story

Hello everyone!

From the title, you can obviously assume that I am going to talk about bullying but not just in general but my story. My experience and what I went through. I have thought about writing this post for so long now but bullying is so close to my heart and I think there are still so many open wounds from the bullying that I wasn’t sure if I would be able to make it through this and be able to speak about my experience. It is something so personal and raw I didn’t think I would be able to share my story. However, I know bullying unfortunately is such a common thing that almost everyone goes through that I wanted to share my story in hope that it will help, inspire or give you advice on how to cope and deal with bullying. If I knew now, what I had known then, I for sure would have dealt with the situation so much better.

Before I start I want to apologise if this isn’t the most coherent piece of writing that I have ever written. Speaking about something so serious and personal can be hard and just leave you with a lot of mixed emotions which don’t really make sense together but that is how I feel. I especially felt it was fitting to write this post this week because it has been mental illness awareness week and mental illnesses again is something I believe so passionately about and wish there was more done to help people. I wish we lived in a society where we could openly discuss how we are feeling without any fear of judgement and we could seek help to look after our minds because it is so important! I am mentioning this because the side effects of bullying can lead to mental illness issues and I just want to be just one of many people to say you are not alone, most people will go through something similar in their life and there are plenty of services to help you. Don’t feel like you are alone.

Bullying… as most of you will know or have experienced, bullying is cruel and vicious. It isolates you and makes you feel so lonely. Even though the bullying stopped about 2 years ago now one person left school, the side effects of what the bullying did to me remain. That’s partly my fault because I never sought help to deal with what I went through but I know the reason I am how I am is because of other reasons and things that happened in my life and I know I need to sort them out and I will, I am just taking it at my own pace.  My point is the pain and feelings, thoughts and deluded perceptions of yourself which the bullies make you have just don’t vanish. They just don’t disappear. They stick with you and when people have told you for so long something about yourself, it really does become engrained in you and it’s hard to change your mindset.

Anyway…this is my story. So, the earliest I can remember the bullying starting was when I was around 6/7. I was in my last year at Infant school because for me I went to infant school, a separate junior school and then onto secondary school. Also, I want to point out that names won’t be mentioned throughout this because as much as I hate what they did to me and always will and I know respecting their privacy is the correct thing to do.

Up until this point I had always enjoyed school and was the happiest little girl ever. I enjoyed being at school and participating in class and I had the biggest dreams and ambitions. Some days I couldn’t wait to go to school. That soon got turned upside down. Over the next 10 years of my school life I didn’t share that enthusiasm and dreaded going.

You see in my last year of infant school I had just lost my best friend that I had known forever because her brother and my brother were bests friends so we were always around each other from a young age, but she moved away and my best friend was gone. It was no longer me and her anymore, it was just me. I was now alone. The same year a new girl started at our school and I got asked to make her feel welcome and show her how things were done. We never really got on and safe to say she never liked me. Anyway, the bullying started when this guy in my class started being friends with me because he now noticed I sat on my own at dinner. Anyway, things started off great and we got on so well. I now had a friend to play with at break and lunch time. The other children didn’t see it that way and automatically started making fun of me. The rumours kept spreading until one day this guy no longer wanted to be my friend anymore and just ignored me all day every day. I had lost my friend again. Since he was no longer my friend now though I assumed they would stop saying stuff and spreading rumours but I couldn’t have been more wrong. They didn’t! It just got worse. Now they went from spreading rumours to getting me into trouble in class by blaming things on me that wasn’t fault and they hadn’t done so they didn’t get in trouble. I spent the most part of my last year at infant school very miserable and very lonely, often getting told off for things I hadn’t done and missing out.  Safe to say I couldn’t wait for summer!

Summer end and I was so excited to start a new school… or so I thought. That was until I found that those people who had spent the last year of infant school misery for me were my class. I was sure that I was in for another year of hell and I wasn’t wrong. What I didn’t know then though that things weren’t going to get better for some time. Again, I spent most of my time on my own pretending that I didn’t hear the pathetic rumours that were being spread about me, even though I did and they started to bother me.  When I was, younger I use to love maths, although my love for maths has certainly faded over the years. It was the only thing I was good at, or so I thought. I didn’t think I was sporty, or musically talented or could write a fantastic story but maths just came naturally to me.  Every week we would have a timetables challenge and if you got 100% the following week you would get a harder set of questions. Our teachers use to compete with us to show us how quick we would be able to do them one day. I remember one week I practised so hard, I must have done the sheet at least 100 times at home because I wanted to be the best and that week I ended finishing first, even before the teacher and they were 100% right. At the time I was so happy, now of course I know the teacher probably wasn’t even trying, but at the time it really reassured me that I was good at something. Little did I know I just started something else for the bullies to talk about. Soon I was a ‘nerd’ or a ‘geek’ or a ‘teacher’s pet’ and at the time it was awful. Now you know I don’t mind being called a nerd or a geek, for me it’s great trait, but 7/8-year-old me didn’t feel that way, especially since they were being malicious about it. For the rest of the year, that along with whatever other rumour they felt like spreading was he rest of my first year at junior school.

So, year four came around and I started thinking things would be different. The others were now in the opposite class and we had a girl transfer and I thought this could be my chance to make friends. Luckily for me we did, or so I thought. I now had a friend in the playground and didn’t wander around alone. Things started off great but then she got a boyfriend and the is boy just wasn’t nice and especially wasn’t nice to me. Soon lunches together turned into lunches alone and breaks together turned into breaks alone. I was back where I had started – alone. Then they broke up and then she wanted to be my friend again and naïve me went along with it, until they got back together and dropped me again. This time, her boyfriend and the others turned her against me for good and she hated me for the rest of her time that school until she transferred in year 5. Now they had a group and they made it their mission to make my life hell and they did. They even convinced me (well more accurately pressured me/forced me) into giving myself a ‘chicken scratch’ to then they just used that to get me into trouble my teacher. Year 4 was still no better and I was losing hope.

Year 5 was much of the same the gang v. me. The same rumours the same ‘your fat’, ‘your ugly’, ‘no one likes you’, ‘no one wants to be your friend’ and to make it worse it the seating plan for one of the classes I got seated next to one of the bullies and for tidy time I got partnered with another one of them. I just couldn’t escape.  Nothing changed.

Year 6 and my last year at this crappy place before going somewhere new and I couldn’t wait. Nothing really changed except now they started bullying me for my chess club. I had played in chess club since year 3 and always finished top but year 6 I finished top with zero defeats. A perfectly clean record. I was thrilled. Obviously, that was something to use against me. I started puberty at age 11 in year 6 and if they hadn’t made me conscious enough by telling me I was fat and ugly, they sure did when that happened. I am pretty sure I had never felt so uncomfortable in my life so far than when changing for PE and they make remarks about my boobs starting to appear or getting hips and a bum. I definitely hated the way I looked and although I would never cry in front of them they sure did make me cry. I think the worse was when they told this boy that I would go out with him and wanted to kiss him when I really didn’t. I felt so mean and terrible having to tell him the truth and just like they wanted he no longer liked me or wanted to speak to me. It seemed like I couldn’t have any friends.

So that summed up my junior school experience. I am pretty sure I hated every moment of it. I was always alone, never allowed to join in any games with anyone or sit with anyone. A few friends came and went just as quick and I was left feeling rather miserable, lonely and hating the way I looked. The once happy, confident me was nowhere to be seen. She had gone and perhaps gone forever.

So, summer ended and then came around secondary school. I was beyond excited to be going to ‘big school’ as everyone called it and to forget about the miseries of junior school. This was going to be a fresh start. A new place, new people and a new start or at least that is what I had hoped for. In my tutor group, there were a few people from my old school which I knew but we most definitely didn’t get along. For some reason, they hated me and I didn’t know why. Now I must point out I was nervous for starting school. I was scared to be in an environment with lots of people who I didn’t know and who could have potentially judged me and hated me the same as people had done in junior school.  Things started off well to be honest. I made some friends and I had people to sit with at lunch and break. I had friends in classes too. Things may have just started to improve. People even had crushes on me and asked me out which I kindly declined because I was interested in guys or those pretend relationships you have at that age. However, because I wasn’t allowed out my friends began to become closer and closer but without me. I was left behind and although occasionally we spoke things weren’t the same. I was lost once more.

Oh, I forgot to mention my childhood best friend came to that school too and it was so nice to see a familiar face but has five years had passed she now had her own friends. It was nice to have someone smile at you in the corridor.  Other than being really lonely, there wasn’t any major bullying in year 7. I somehow managed to avoid it and I don’t know how really but I was glad I did. Of course, in the changing rooms I would hide in corner and turn away because I was embarrassed about my body. That never changed. Year 7 wasn’t too bad at all.

Year 8 was a completely different story. This was the first time I had got cyber bullied and I remember feeling so sick and upset when I did. It was awful. Basically, I sat with two girls I had made in my tutor group at tutor time and one them was in my classes so we sat together and we started spending a lot of time together and became close.  All of a sudden you began to become distant and sad. She had a lot going off at home and home life wasn’t brilliant. Anyway, one day a member of our year group saw a sonogram posted to her Facebook (it was completely innocent of her cousin or something) but started a rumour that she was pregnant. She told me and I thought she had confided in me because she trusted me and because she was scared. Naturally I told her to speak to our tutor so she could sort it out. However, that was apparently the wrong advice and this infuriated her and she got so mad at me for understanding. Anyway, to get the attention off her she made the rumour up that it was me who had posted this photo and showed everyone to embarrass her and cause all problems. Sure enough, everyone believed her. Everyone now hated me. Everywhere I went, every class I got mean comments and notes from people. Life has just taken a turn for the worst. Little did I know that they were about to get worse. Not only did she start this rumour, she then started cyber bullying to prove to everyone just how mad she was at me.  She started texting me loads of horrible messages telling me to ‘f*ck off’ and ‘to die’ and ‘that she didn’t want anything to do with me and I was horrible person who was getting everything I deserved.’ For some reason which I don’t know why, even to this day I tried to apologise and get her to be my friend but these messages kept on coming and I am became so sad. I tried hard to hold it in but one day in class someone said something and that was it. I burst into tears and fled to the toilets. I didn’t return to class until it was lesson change over because I was embarrassed. When I did, waiting there was teacher waiting and three girls. Three girls concerned about me. It was such an uplifting feeling. In the end, I ended up spilling everything and it was so nice to have four people believe me and be on my side. For once I didn’t feel alone. I had proof everything and her admitting that she had caused everything and started the rumour and I had the messages she had sent. The teacher wanted to go to the police but I didn’t. I was scared. I didn’t want my parents knowing, which they don’t and I didn’t want her to end up in trouble. I didn’t go to the police and I didn’t press charges even though people wanted me to. I didn’t. Everyone deserves another chance and everyone makes a mistake. A few weeks later she apologised and I forgave her but I never forgot what it did to me or how it made me feel. We were never the same.

Year 9 remained pretty fine. I stayed away from people after year 8. I thought I was better on my own. I didn’t want to end up in that same situation. I didn’t want to trust people. I distanced myself. It was lonely and sad but it worked. For a year, I survived. I was okay and had no drama to deal with. I was maybe somewhat happy.

Year 10 wasn’t the same. I couldn’t have two good years in a row. That was wishful thinking. Year 10. What a year!! It all started when my crush (I had liked for him years… seriously ages) had broken up with his girlfriend and started talking to me. I was scared. I didn’t want to get close because I didn’t want to get broken or hurt. As time moved on though we grew closer and he said everything I had waited years for someone to say. Turns out she was not happy about the situation and wouldn’t let him move on. She kept talking to him and twisting his mind and manipulating him and before we even got to together we argued all the time. She was there but I thought he had moved on. He hadn’t though. Trust me I didn’t know this when I got with him. Anyway, he promised everything would be okay and we got together. His ex still messaging me and trying to make me break up with him. She was always there. She didn’t move on and leave me alone. From the moment, we I started talking to him until we left in year 11 she made my life living hell. I caught up in something I never wished I had.

I don’t know what I was thinking. All I knew is that I really liked him and I wanted to be with him even though we fell out because of her almost every day. It definitely was toxic to say the least. We did have some good times and he did help me through so much too. She consistently messaged me and made my life hell. She would always send horrible messages to me and talk about me at all school. He stuck up for her and protected her. I guess when you like someone and they have manipulated her then that’s what you would do. A month in he broke up with me to be with her, but he parents didn’t agree and so he got back with me. Again, I didn’t know this until after we split up. I just know I was heartbroken when he did because I thought I loved him even though now I know I didn’t so I got back with him despite the fact that I knew people were going to talk and she was going to be mean. When we were together she would consistently post pictures of when they had been together and put ‘I love you’ or send them to me. Day by day I felt more and more lost.

The next major issues came when I was delivering my dragon’s den pitch speech. Just before I got a phone call saying he had cheated on me with her. I just remember crying in the bathroom for ages even though I needed to go on stage. I delivered my presentation and when I got back to school he tried to talk to me but I wasn’t interested. The next day my neighbour’s son has died. We were close to them. I always remember going back to them after nursery and them giving me a chocolate bar. His death made me realise life was too short to not forgive and for second chances. So, as kind as I thought I was being, in retrospect very stupid. I gave him another chance. About 6 weeks later I found out that he had cheated again with her. I was devastated. I remember leaving ICT and crying and I ended it. I hoped everything would go away but it didn’t.  She had convinced him that I was evil and I didn’t care about him and didn’t love him. She lied about me too him and turned him against me and then he said crap about me to.

Once we had broken up they got together but I begged him not to because I knew she was planning on meeting this boy. He didn’t believe me and thought I was being mean and selfish, but I was only looking out for him.  Knew what she was like. She had cheated on him so many time before which she made me swear to never to tell him, I did anyway because it right. He didn’t believe me. A couple of days later they got back together and that hurt the most. I felt so much pain. People either want you to feel everything or nothing at all – right now I was feeling everything. My heart broke. I was a mess. I cried and cried and cried for days. Cried to sleep. I didn’t eat properly. I didn’t sleep. It was a proper first crush nightmare. I was confused as to why she hated me and spread so many rumours and turned him against. I was confused as to why he hated me and didn’t believe me. A couple of days later she had already cheated and they were apart. He messaged me to say he wish we had never broken up and in tears I said it was for the best.

That should have been the end of it right? Wrong! She never stopped making my life even when we stopped speaking completely. She created Facebook statuses about me spreading rumours and lies for the whole world to see. She dedicated and askfm page to me where she ridiculed me and post the worst things imaginable. Cyber bullying part 2 had started. He tweeted about me, she messaged me asking me to die and to kill myself. She made it her mission for the next year to make my life hell. As if one wasn’t enough. She sure as hell she did.

Year 11 and the same crap continued. She didn’t stop. It kept going on and on and I was getting very sick and tired of looking on any of my social media and just seeing mean comments. I was getting tired on just constantly receiving hurtful texts. I had hit a low. Just when I thought things couldn’t get worse someone who I thought was my friend got with my ex and I pretended like I was cool with it even though I wasn’t until some of my friend overheard her and one her friends speaking in the bathroom saying that he was good for a first kiss and then she would break up with him and it would be make me jealous. I told me what was said even though I hadn’t spoken to him ages and he shot me down as always. It was true though and that happened. Someone who I thought was my friend had turned against me, he still couldn’t stand me and by telling me I had just successfully help end another one of her relationships and she just kept going.

In all honesty, I had enough. From all the cyber bullying, threats, rumours I just couldn’t take it. Every day the insults would resonate in my mind. ‘Slut’, ‘slag’, ’fat’, ‘ugly’, ‘bitch’, ’kill yourself’, ‘die.’ I just wanted to never return to school. Others had started to join in to and I just didn’t get why people didn’t like me. Again, I know I could have gone to police but I didn’t want everyone to know. I didn’t want them to know how broken I had become. I didn’t want to hurt that guy either because he had got caught up in something he shouldn’t have. I was afraid of being bullied even more for telling. So, I kept it quiet.

It lasted all year. I couldn’t wait until leavers day and to never have to see her face again. I couldn’t wait to not have to go through this. At this point other started with rumours that I was spoilt and rich which made people dislike me even more. The final thing in year 11 that did it was when a group of people decided to play a prank of me and put a condom in my blazer pocket. Then when I went in my blazer pocket and pulled that out by mistake, not knowing it was there, everyone saw and that for them confirmed the rumour I was slut. I hated life and I was so sad. I cried and cried. However, leavers came and since I haven’t had to see any of these people again.

And that’s my story. Pretty damn long I know. Sorry!!! I haven’t made it through this without crying. It has brought so many bad memories to light and made me realise just how many open wounds there are. For those who are wondering, this was my secret. I haven’t told anyone this but now I have told all of you my secret. I never told school apart from the one occasion I mentioned. I never told my family or anyone. I lived through it alone. This is the first time I have shared my secret. This was my story.

I was a victim of bullying. However, I want to be the one to tell you that things do get better and it doesn’t last forever. This has been the hardest thing I have ever written about and spoke about. Its perhaps the bravest thing too. I feel like weight has been lifted. I have never shared this and now that I have and am unsure about how people are going to react but I feel like speaking about it has helped. I am no longer carrying around 10 years of hurt and pain all to myself. I just want to point out I don’t hate anyone, that’s not who I am. I will always hate what they have done. The guy is this by the way, he is actually the sweetest, most genuine guy who got manipulated and caught up in something so bad and as soon as he was strong enough to let her go completely out his life and stand up to her manipulative ways he was gone back to the way he was and the reason I had a crush on him in the first place. Seriously there isn’t any hard feeling between us now.

I just wanted to share this story because I want you to understand you aren’t alone and people have been through it. I have and I will understand and will always listen. Also, please don’t suffer alone through it and do what I didn’t and speak out about it. Please find someone you can trust and don’t suffer in silence. I wish I hadn’t and I wish I had got help because two years later this still all haunts me and I am still dealing with consequences. It still affects me to this very day so much. It knocked my confidence more than I can tell you and because I didn’t get help and suffered through it and only now told anyone for the first time it has taken ages to build myself back up. I am getting there though. I want to be a voice to tell you that things don’t last forever and things do get better. I am who I am because of those experiences and they made me in a stronger person and I am lot wiser and more knowledgeable. As bad as everything was I wouldn’t where I am or doing what I am without all of this and I do live a pretty great life and I have so much to be thankful for. So please remember you aren’t alone, please speak up and don’t suffer in silence and it doesn’t last forever. You will get through it and be stronger. You can do it and it is okay to not be okay.

I hope this has helped in some way for someone and thank you for staying all the way to end. I know it is long! This was the hardest thing for me to do and I am so scared and nervous about the reaction but if it helps one person then it is worth it. Thank you so much!! Much love,

Lizzie x

Instagram: @thiz_is_lizzie_xx

Twitter: @Life_WithLizzie

 

13 Reasons Why Review…

Hello everyone!

I am pretty sure you have heard everyone raving over the series ’13 Reasons Why’ on Netflix and so I thought I would do a review post and give my opinions. I read the book for this years ago – honestly it seems like forever ago so I was so excited to hear about the release of this series. However, I was also a bit sceptical about watching it because I really wanted the series to do the book justice because it is phenomenal. Therefore, I was a little bit unsure whether to even watch it even though I was so excited when it was released. Instead I chose to hold off a bit and let the hype die down and read some reviews about it before I watched it.

So eventually, I obviously watched the series, hence why I am writing the review.  Now I am not going to lie, I actually watched the whole season in one day. I just got completely hooked and after watching one episode I was so intrigued to see how well they were going to match the plot to the book which is obviously what the whole season is based on.

For me personally I have very mixed opinions and feelings about the show. I did like the show and it so incredibly emotive and powerful and the message through the programme is  an obvious one which is so important and one which needs sharing. Teenage suicide rates increase every year but underneath that there are so many people with mental illnesses or people who are going through difficult situations and times and don’t really know who to turn to. As someone is has completed school I know how pressuring the school environment can be and sometimes it can be so suffocating and it can make dealing with your problems so much worse, especially, if like me, you unfortunately get bullied. School is hard and there are definitely some challenging life situations which will happen but I urge anyone who is feeling trapped, lonely, depressed, sad, scared, worried, down, isolated or any other feeling to find the confidence to speak about that problem. Please find someone you feel you can trust to share your problems with because people do care and people will help. I can’t imagine losing someone close to you by suicide – it would be devastating.  I can’t even begin to imagine feeling how those people must feel. Seriously, people may not know what you are feeling because not everyone has the same situation but there are people out there who listen and help you. There are so many charities and helplines with people who are willing to spend all the time necessary to help turn your problems around. Please don’t feel alone or just find that courage to talk about it because it really does help and no one is going to judge you – remember that. Those that care won’t judge you. They will just want what is best for you and will try and help you no matter what.

So obviously, the story of this series and the message in the programme lies close to my heart. I suffered from some pretty severe bullying at school, I mean some stages were a lot worse from others but nevertheless I can relate to the isolation and loneliness anyone who is bullied feels. What is more, a couple of years ago I use to a friend  who self harmed and was having a hard time and it was so hard to know she felt the need to put herself in that position because of the pain others were causing her. It was devastating. It’s hard to imagine just how down and lonely she must have felt to do something like that. Luckily my friend got the help she needed and now she is in a so much better place but I just don’t know how I would live with myself knowing I had been that cruel and hurtful to someone else to make them feel that much pain and that is such a powerful and emotive message which is portrayed through the series.

The series does really capture the heart-breaking and hard-hitting consequences of what your words can do and mean to someone else.  You don’t even realise the impact your words have or the consequence of your actions, but they are real and things like this do happen and issues within society will never improve unless we collectively learn to respect and appreciate people’s differences and just treat each other better. I do believe this film does emotively capture the worst of bullying and just how much you can affect a person’s life from something so little and something you may perceive to be a joke or a prank. Not everyone feels the same and it’s important for us to remember that and respect that not everyone has the same sense of humour and thus could find it offensive.

13 Reasons Why is definitely a profoundly moving and equally devastating story of a teenage suicide and there is no denying that.  I am going to warn that this most certainly is not the easiest of programmes to watch, in fact I wish through some episodes that I had watched it with someone else. Some scenes are very graphical and could potentially be very damaging and scarring and I did want to make a point of that in the review because I, for one, did not expect the scenes to be as graphical as they were. They were hard to watch and offered a lot more than I thought would be shown personally.

Another positive from the show is that it has provided a substantial platform and attention to these common issues within society. It really has brought to light the issue of bullying, rape and suicide. Although, we are all very aware of these matters, there is definitely a huge focus on them in the mainstream media.  In some ways, has heart-wrenching and difficult it is to watch this series I would urge people to watch purely because of the awareness it raises. From the release of this programme there has been heaps of media attention on the programme and thus the issues of bullying, rape and suicide and become more prevalent in mainstream media.  We all know those issues are there but if we aren’t willing to discuss them and talk about them then no measures will ever be taken to improve these issues. Therefore, I am so glad that this programme has encouraged a discussion and thinking points on these very dangerous issues.

However, I do have a few issues with the programme if I am honest. Some things just really frustrated me.  One of the main Character’s Hannah Baker was my first issue with the programme. At times, I really did not think she was portrayed like the book. I did towards the end, find it increasingly difficult to listen to some of her speeches. I am not denying that through the story she most certainly has reasons to be sad, angry and lost for words, for example when he was raped and I would have no idea how I would react if I was sexually assaulted. It must be one of the most traumatising experiences. However, I do feel like she is over-dramatic at points and certainly very selfish. She always believed people had some sort of ulterior motive and pushed people away. For me, just was a very unlikable character with the wrong attitude.

My second issue to do with Hannah is a point in general. They appear to make Hannah out to be the victim and as if she never did anything wrong. Don’t get me wrong she was the victim in some cases but  Hannah too, just like everyone was not innocent and she pushed away people, was selfish and should have taken more responsibility for her actions. Hannah was the victim is many cases,there is certainly no denying that, but she too was guilty of contributing to drama in that school. I think it is unfair to glorify Hannah in this light where she didn’t ever do anything wrong because I think she too let people down as much as people let her down.

My next issue is the ending. It comes to no real conclusions for anyone. At the very beginning of the programme, we are all aware of where the story is leading and that she inevitably going  to commits suicide. She lists the reasons why but the ending doesn’t  bring around conclusions. I personally feel that is fails to portray the other character’s sadness, distress at what the tapes would have done to them. I am pretty sure they would have caused some sort of problems for the children and more emotion on their behalf would have been better. Portraying their realisation of what their actions have done further would have enhanced the story. Also, one thing that I have always been confused about is the use of Clay on the tapes. He never did anything wrong to Hannah. He was always there for her, loved her and she pushed him away. Even after he death he is the only one who is determined to get justice for Hannah’s death and raise awareness for what has happened. It is him who wants to help everyone and I just find putting him through the tapes harsh. To make him feel so guilty and put him through all that pain when he really cared seems rather harsh to me but obviously that isn’t a criticism of the series but more of the storyline in general.

Lastly, Tony’s character is a little strange. I am not even sure why Hannah feels the need to include him in the tapes. It just doesn’t seem to fit in with the story because he doesn’t have a connection with Hannah except he lends her a tape recorder. In the nest series, as I am sure they have confirmed that there will be a second series I would like to see more conclusions. I would like to see the characters off the tapes take responsibility and I would like to show people how to move on from an incident like this. I would like the series to focus on rehabilitating the character’s and helping them move on whilst still teaching a very valuable lesson. I would like for them to go in direction which helps find justice and peace for everyone.

Overall, I thought the series was okay. I think the message it is trying to communicate is so important. I am not it was executed in the best possible way. I am sure that is a criticism of the plot in general. I definitely understand the use of tapes was the only way for them to get to hear Hannah’s story from her perspective and for them to find out what they had done but I think if that actually happened that would be unimaginable. How anyone would ever be able to move on from the grief and pain of hearing tapes is beyond me.  I am so glad that is has brought attention to these topics because they are so important and they are fundamental issues within society and I personally feel issues such as bullying, rape and assault need taking more seriously. It does happen. It happens so frequently and it isn’t okay and there does need to be more help and support networks and procedures in place to help the victims. It is real and people do need to speak up!

Thank you for reading and let me know your opinions on the season if you have seen it yourself. Also, just remember you aren’t alone and there are always people there to listen and help. I am for one! I have definitely had my fair share of very difficult and challenging situations but they make you stronger and with the right help, support network and confidence to speak about the issues. Things will get better. Life gets better and things do improve. I know this first-hand. Much love forever and always,

Lizzie X

Instagram: @thiz_is_lizzie_xx

Twitter: @Life_WithLizzie