Bullying My Story: Part II

Hey!

I am not 100% sure where to start with this post today so I will try my best to be as coherent as possible, that may be hard so just bear with me.  Every time I upload a personal story/experience I am always terrified about the response, but thankfully everyone has been super supportive and for that I am thankful. However, I still get butterflies every time I press upload on a post which is rather personal and exposes more of me. I feel more vulnerable and like I have let some walls down, which I built up over the years and worked hard to keep them up there. You see, once you have lived through some hard times and been through some difficult experiences you hurt and feel and incredible amount of pain and therefore you naturally build a defence system to prevent the same thing happening again. Every time I share a part of personal life with you, I feel the walls crumbling ever so slightly and I feel my heart and my soul becoming open and more vulnerable once again and trust me that terrifies me. However, I know speaking about problems you have had helps bring closure to the pain. It allows you to move past that part of your life and close the chapter. It enables you to move on and create a better future for yourself. The best closure I have found to these situations, is that sharing my experiences help other people and that is what I really what to do and so I always feel better about things knowing that I have helped someone else who was feeling the way I did. So, today, I guess I am going to share another part of my life with you all.

As most of you will know, if you have been following this blog for a while, I unfortunately was a victim of bullying and I shared my story with you in what was probably the most heart-breaking and painful post to write. If you haven’t read this you can do so here. Anyway, today I wanted to focus on another aspect on the story. Today I wanted to talk about one of the many side effects bullying has on you as a person and how you can develop coping mechanism and strategies to deal with what you have gone through, but importantly with how it made you feel.

I never sought any sort of help from anyone when I was bullied. I was a very timid person anyway, so the thought of speaking up terrified me. For me, I felt like it was just not an option. I told no one at all, not a single person knew what was I experiencing and go through every single day of my life – only me.  I kept it all a secret and kept it all in my head and didn’t even hint to anyone that I wasn’t okay. Luckily for me, the bullying did stop after I left school in year 11 at the age of 16, but after what had probably been the best part of 8/9 years, the damage had already been done. I was already mentally scared and physically drained.

Before I get into some of the side effects, I just wanted to point out, that even to this day I am still struggling with the side effects of bullying and what people had done to me. I still struggle every single day with things. I know that is my fault for not speaking out and dealing with my problems and going to therapy but honestly the thought of confronting them and speaking up scared me so much more than just dealing with the bullies daily. For some crazy reason, I had drilled it into myself that if I spoke up that things would be worse and they wouldn’t make it stop. All that speaking up would do would make me more vulnerable and increase the amount of bullying and give them new things to pull me down on and for me I just wasn’t prepared for that. However, I want to point out that YOU ARE NOT ALONE and that there are so many services available to receive help not only with stopping the bullying but also with dealing with the side effects and the impact it has on your mental health. I beg all of you, to have a little bit of courage, which I didn’t, and take the step to speak to someone who you trust because it needs to end and I don’t want anyone else suffering for even a day, let alone years like I did. Please don’t be afraid because everything will be okay!

So, the first thing I noticed that changed since the bullying started is that my confidence hit an all-time low. I know longer believed in myself and thought very little of myself. They had managed to make me feel worthless and weak. They had made me feel fat and ugly and they made me doubt myself. For me, this is such a shame because I know prior to the bullying I was the bubbliest and most confident little girl. I was always so happy and loved acting and performing and talking. Bullying took all that away from me. I hated being in front of people. I hated acting and performing. I despised talking in front of people and once I got so anxious I actually just stood and cried in front of about 200 people. The thing is, a lack of confidence effects your life in so many ways you don’t even realise. I didn’t feel confidence in myself so I would say no to every opportunity given to me because I was scared.  I missed out on so many opportunities and that really is so sad because you need to make the most of life and take every single opportunity you get given. I know longer believed in my ability in school or in any passions. I would always say “I can’t do it” even though that wasn’t true. I lost any sort belief in myself. I don’t think my confidence will ever be as low as that ever again. A few years on… I still have massive confidence issues. I have gotten so much better with speaking but I still get really nervous and have to calm myself down. I still don’t perform or act. I still have massive doubts in my ability which annoys me boyfriend and friends so much because they know I am capable of so much and wish I saw it and knew it. It is sad because I always wonder where I would be now or how many crazy experiences I would have done by now had I still been confident. I know I would still be actively involved in so many of my childhood hobbies had I not lost my confidence, but everything happens for a reason. I know that I am where I am at the moment because that’s where I am meant to be at the moment and everything in life works out okay in the end and how it should.

The next noticeable change I saw in myself was that I became a more negative person. I wasn’t optimistic and I didn’t think positively. All I could now vision was the worst-case scenario. I hated how they had turned into such a negative person and made me feel worthless. I hated the fact that I no longer felt happy and positive to life. I think this obviously coincides with the fact that I had zero confidence and in my ability, in people and in my body and it just turned very negative and it is so sad for me to even write this. To the day, I still struggle to think positively about certain aspects in life. I still struggle to think positively about myself and my body. I always have managed to see the good in people, even at my worst and that unfortunately has been my downfall but I still see the good in people. I have hope that things will get better when for years I told myself they weren’t. I now try and look on the more positive side of things although after years of seeing the worst-case scenarios I now actually have that as a coping mechanism. If I know that is the worst possible situation and I know I can deal with that, then I know I can deal with anything. It has in some ways been both a blessing and a curse.

Being bullied made me increasingly aware of other people’s opinions. I had kind of been oblivious to other people’s opinions about me beforehand because as people do say ‘ignorance is bliss’ and ‘what you don’t know, doesn’t hurt you’. Bullying brought other people’s opinions to forefront of my mind though and it’s all I thought about. It became kind of obsessive actually. Which is ridiculous really because people talk and care far less than you know. You are you own biggest critic.  I became very self-conscious and this developed my huge body issues. I was very aware that people were judgemental. I felt ugly and fat and was very ashamed of my body. I actually hated my body for years to come and I became paranoid and cared why too much about the approval of everyone else. I lived years of my life trying to please others and make them happy and like me, when really, I shouldn’t have should have just lived for me. I wasted years of my life. Don’t make the same mistakes. People opinions are irrelevant. You honestly have to do you and do whatever makes you happy because it is impossible to make everyone happy (trust me I have tired) and there is always someone who is going to want to bring you down and will be jealous. Remember a ‘lion doesn’t lose sleep over the opinion of a sheep’. Honestly when you stop caring you will be free and it will be amazing. I don’t care so much at all these days about what anyone thinks about me because I want people to like me for me and if they don’t, then I don’t want them to be my friend to be honest. I still feel conscious all the time and worry about whether I am fat or ugly which annoys my boyfriend so much because he wishes I could see what he sees and believe I wish I was confident and care free but those insecurities are going to take a lot of beating thanks to some cruel people. Luckily, I think it is all in my head from been bullied because recent comments and remarks haven’t left the same scars and insecurities.

Being bullied definitely damaged my trust and it made it harder for me to form relationships and friendships with people because I was suspicious of them and worried that one day they would no longer be my friend and bully me. I know my trust issues largely comes from another very personal thing that happened in my life which I am sure I will speak about one day but being bullied added to the lack of trust in people. I am a very guarded person and I never want to suffer and be in as much pain as I was then so I have built up so many walls I feel like they are virtually impossible to break. I don’t want to feel vulnerable again. I don’t want to ever feel that way again. Learning to trust people was super hard and scary but some people genuinely care and not everyone wants to see you fail and bring you down. I still struggle massively with trust and I feel like I always will but I will try and fix and heal the wounds.

Thank you so much for reading and sorry for rambling. Let me know if you thought this was useful/helpful and if you would like to see a part two to this! See you soon. Much love,

Lizzie X

Twitter: @Life_WithLizzie

Instagram: @libwalton_9

 

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Marriage, YouTube and Bullies???

Hello everyone!!

Today I am answering some of the most frequently asked questions that I recieve. I hope this answers a few things and you enjoy! I always find these posts super fun!

• Do you ever want to get married? – As a little girl, for sure. I definitely wanted to and even now I know that eventually I want to get married I am just far more sceptical and cynical. As you grow up you realise that things are not like the movies and there are lots of crazy situations that happen in life. I do want to but I know it’s huge commitment and I would be so scared of things going wrong, but yes one day I would love to get married.
• What is your top/dress size? – I am a UK size 10 in pretty much everything, occasionally an 8 in tops.
• Do you have any diet plans/tips? – If you have been reading my blog for a while you will know that I have struggled with my weight my entire life and now I don’t like to think of eating healthy as dieting and I know I won’t diet again because it just doesn’t work for me and it messed up a lot of things. So, for me, the best advice I can give is to eat everything in moderation; eat the correct size portions, make sure you are eating healthy and balanced diet making sure you are getting all your nutrients etc and that you are exercising and listening to do your body. Also, don’t forget to drink plenty of water!!!
• What do you enjoy doing in your spare time? – I really don’t get that much spare time when at university and working but now summer is here I am looking forward to consistently blogging, reading, exercising, travelling and spending time with my favourite people.
• What do you value the most in life? – I value people who love me and respect me and are honest with me. People who bring out the best in me and really want to enjoy life and be positive Oh and of course someone who can make me laugh and smile.
• What do you do? – At the moment, I am a full-time student studying History at the university of Leicester and I am also a part time athlete at Nike.
• What is my dream job? – My dream job would be an entrepreneur and have my own business or to be a successful author… one of those. Both would be ideal!
• What are some of your top tips for being a teenager? – Just know that your teenage years don’t last forever so don’t worry and stress out and enjoy them. School doesn’t last forever. Don’t get caught up in trying to be popular it isn’t worth. I know how hard it is these days with social medias and getting likes and followers etc but trust me those people who are popular in school and you think you want to be like you really don’t. My boyfriend and I were chatting about this the other day and we were saying how irrelevant your popularity in school is as soon as you leave school. The girls who use to get all the attention from the lads and were getting hundreds of likes on their profile photos and Instagram photos, maybe be get like 10 these days. Honestly popularity doesn’t last forever and people move on from school and things change and you meet new people so don’t stress about it. Funny story here… I was in this tutor group with this guy for 5 years he even asked me out, which I politely declined, anyway added me back on snapchat the other week for him to send me a snapchat asking who I was. Hello!! I was in your tutor group for 5 years and saw you every day for 5 years. So awkward! Anyway, point to the story I clearly wasn’t popular and apparently not even remembered but I am and have someone who loves me and it just doesn’t’ matter. In fact, people even come to realise how much nicer and more beautiful and attractive you are in your own way.
• Did you know what you wanted to do? – I didn’t know what I wanted to do and I still don’t know what I want to do. Which I guess is one of the reason I wish I had taken a year off and properly considered my options but nevertheless I am still enjoying university.
• What are some of your top tips for friendships and relationships? – Friendships and relationships are a lot of effort but they are the best thing to put time and effort into and invest in. I am one of those of people who cannot be bothered with those people who put minimal effort in their friendships and just don’t take the time to care and love you. I am for sure one of those people who give 100% to everything including friendships and relationships. So, don’t waste your time on toxic friendships and relationships or surround yourself for negativity.  Just be yourself, be relaxed and chilled. Let your friends and partner do them and you do you. Don’t try and change anyone of let people change you. You be who you are and the right people will love you for who you are. Also having a select few friends that you can definitely count on his so much better than having a tonne of friends who have sometimes got your back.
• What would you like to say to your 14-year-old self? – DON’T STRESS! Nothing lasts forever so don’t stress and worry about things. It is a waste of time and doesn’t help anything. If it isn’t going to matter in 5 years’ time then don’t stress or worry about it. It just makes you miserable and grumpy and stresses you out for no apparent reason. You start to get so confused and overthink everything and then it just goes downhill from there.
• How did you deal with bullies in school? – I actually have a post all about my bullying experience so check that if you haven’t already because it explains everything but my main piece of advice would be to not give people satisfaction of letting them know they are getting you and annoying/upsetting you. Even though it will hurt and you will be sad for some reason bullies thrive off knowing they have achieved it so don’t give them the satisfaction and turn a blind eye to it as best you can. Some people will do anything to see you fail and fall and bullies love that. The less attention you pay to them the less they become interested in targeting you because they don’t get a reaction from it and so they don’t see the point in it.
• Did you ever find it difficult finding out who you were? – YES! Omg it is so difficult. Especially in school because that is such a confusing time. Even to this day I am trying to figure out who I am because every day we are changing, growing and developing as humans. So, I am still struggling to figure out who I am and it is confusing and difficult. Just let it take its natural course and don’t worry and stress out. Everything will fall into place eventually.
• Why don’t you make YouTube videos? – I do have a channel with some videos up but I don’t think anyone watches them or will watch them or find me interesting.

Much love,

Lizzie X

Instagram: @thiz_is_lizzie_xx

Twitter: @Life_WithLizzie

Bullying… My story

Hello everyone!

From the title, you can obviously assume that I am going to talk about bullying but not just in general but my story. My experience and what I went through. I have thought about writing this post for so long now but bullying is so close to my heart and I think there are still so many open wounds from the bullying that I wasn’t sure if I would be able to make it through this and be able to speak about my experience. It is something so personal and raw I didn’t think I would be able to share my story. However, I know bullying unfortunately is such a common thing that almost everyone goes through that I wanted to share my story in hope that it will help, inspire or give you advice on how to cope and deal with bullying. If I knew now, what I had known then, I for sure would have dealt with the situation so much better.

Before I start I want to apologise if this isn’t the most coherent piece of writing that I have ever written. Speaking about something so serious and personal can be hard and just leave you with a lot of mixed emotions which don’t really make sense together but that is how I feel. I especially felt it was fitting to write this post this week because it has been mental illness awareness week and mental illnesses again is something I believe so passionately about and wish there was more done to help people. I wish we lived in a society where we could openly discuss how we are feeling without any fear of judgement and we could seek help to look after our minds because it is so important! I am mentioning this because the side effects of bullying can lead to mental illness issues and I just want to be just one of many people to say you are not alone, most people will go through something similar in their life and there are plenty of services to help you. Don’t feel like you are alone.

Bullying… as most of you will know or have experienced, bullying is cruel and vicious. It isolates you and makes you feel so lonely. Even though the bullying stopped about 2 years ago now one person left school, the side effects of what the bullying did to me remain. That’s partly my fault because I never sought help to deal with what I went through but I know the reason I am how I am is because of other reasons and things that happened in my life and I know I need to sort them out and I will, I am just taking it at my own pace.  My point is the pain and feelings, thoughts and deluded perceptions of yourself which the bullies make you have just don’t vanish. They just don’t disappear. They stick with you and when people have told you for so long something about yourself, it really does become engrained in you and it’s hard to change your mindset.

Anyway…this is my story. So, the earliest I can remember the bullying starting was when I was around 6/7. I was in my last year at Infant school because for me I went to infant school, a separate junior school and then onto secondary school. Also, I want to point out that names won’t be mentioned throughout this because as much as I hate what they did to me and always will and I know respecting their privacy is the correct thing to do.

Up until this point I had always enjoyed school and was the happiest little girl ever. I enjoyed being at school and participating in class and I had the biggest dreams and ambitions. Some days I couldn’t wait to go to school. That soon got turned upside down. Over the next 10 years of my school life I didn’t share that enthusiasm and dreaded going.

You see in my last year of infant school I had just lost my best friend that I had known forever because her brother and my brother were bests friends so we were always around each other from a young age, but she moved away and my best friend was gone. It was no longer me and her anymore, it was just me. I was now alone. The same year a new girl started at our school and I got asked to make her feel welcome and show her how things were done. We never really got on and safe to say she never liked me. Anyway, the bullying started when this guy in my class started being friends with me because he now noticed I sat on my own at dinner. Anyway, things started off great and we got on so well. I now had a friend to play with at break and lunch time. The other children didn’t see it that way and automatically started making fun of me. The rumours kept spreading until one day this guy no longer wanted to be my friend anymore and just ignored me all day every day. I had lost my friend again. Since he was no longer my friend now though I assumed they would stop saying stuff and spreading rumours but I couldn’t have been more wrong. They didn’t! It just got worse. Now they went from spreading rumours to getting me into trouble in class by blaming things on me that wasn’t fault and they hadn’t done so they didn’t get in trouble. I spent the most part of my last year at infant school very miserable and very lonely, often getting told off for things I hadn’t done and missing out.  Safe to say I couldn’t wait for summer!

Summer end and I was so excited to start a new school… or so I thought. That was until I found that those people who had spent the last year of infant school misery for me were my class. I was sure that I was in for another year of hell and I wasn’t wrong. What I didn’t know then though that things weren’t going to get better for some time. Again, I spent most of my time on my own pretending that I didn’t hear the pathetic rumours that were being spread about me, even though I did and they started to bother me.  When I was, younger I use to love maths, although my love for maths has certainly faded over the years. It was the only thing I was good at, or so I thought. I didn’t think I was sporty, or musically talented or could write a fantastic story but maths just came naturally to me.  Every week we would have a timetables challenge and if you got 100% the following week you would get a harder set of questions. Our teachers use to compete with us to show us how quick we would be able to do them one day. I remember one week I practised so hard, I must have done the sheet at least 100 times at home because I wanted to be the best and that week I ended finishing first, even before the teacher and they were 100% right. At the time I was so happy, now of course I know the teacher probably wasn’t even trying, but at the time it really reassured me that I was good at something. Little did I know I just started something else for the bullies to talk about. Soon I was a ‘nerd’ or a ‘geek’ or a ‘teacher’s pet’ and at the time it was awful. Now you know I don’t mind being called a nerd or a geek, for me it’s great trait, but 7/8-year-old me didn’t feel that way, especially since they were being malicious about it. For the rest of the year, that along with whatever other rumour they felt like spreading was he rest of my first year at junior school.

So, year four came around and I started thinking things would be different. The others were now in the opposite class and we had a girl transfer and I thought this could be my chance to make friends. Luckily for me we did, or so I thought. I now had a friend in the playground and didn’t wander around alone. Things started off great but then she got a boyfriend and the is boy just wasn’t nice and especially wasn’t nice to me. Soon lunches together turned into lunches alone and breaks together turned into breaks alone. I was back where I had started – alone. Then they broke up and then she wanted to be my friend again and naïve me went along with it, until they got back together and dropped me again. This time, her boyfriend and the others turned her against me for good and she hated me for the rest of her time that school until she transferred in year 5. Now they had a group and they made it their mission to make my life hell and they did. They even convinced me (well more accurately pressured me/forced me) into giving myself a ‘chicken scratch’ to then they just used that to get me into trouble my teacher. Year 4 was still no better and I was losing hope.

Year 5 was much of the same the gang v. me. The same rumours the same ‘your fat’, ‘your ugly’, ‘no one likes you’, ‘no one wants to be your friend’ and to make it worse it the seating plan for one of the classes I got seated next to one of the bullies and for tidy time I got partnered with another one of them. I just couldn’t escape.  Nothing changed.

Year 6 and my last year at this crappy place before going somewhere new and I couldn’t wait. Nothing really changed except now they started bullying me for my chess club. I had played in chess club since year 3 and always finished top but year 6 I finished top with zero defeats. A perfectly clean record. I was thrilled. Obviously, that was something to use against me. I started puberty at age 11 in year 6 and if they hadn’t made me conscious enough by telling me I was fat and ugly, they sure did when that happened. I am pretty sure I had never felt so uncomfortable in my life so far than when changing for PE and they make remarks about my boobs starting to appear or getting hips and a bum. I definitely hated the way I looked and although I would never cry in front of them they sure did make me cry. I think the worse was when they told this boy that I would go out with him and wanted to kiss him when I really didn’t. I felt so mean and terrible having to tell him the truth and just like they wanted he no longer liked me or wanted to speak to me. It seemed like I couldn’t have any friends.

So that summed up my junior school experience. I am pretty sure I hated every moment of it. I was always alone, never allowed to join in any games with anyone or sit with anyone. A few friends came and went just as quick and I was left feeling rather miserable, lonely and hating the way I looked. The once happy, confident me was nowhere to be seen. She had gone and perhaps gone forever.

So, summer ended and then came around secondary school. I was beyond excited to be going to ‘big school’ as everyone called it and to forget about the miseries of junior school. This was going to be a fresh start. A new place, new people and a new start or at least that is what I had hoped for. In my tutor group, there were a few people from my old school which I knew but we most definitely didn’t get along. For some reason, they hated me and I didn’t know why. Now I must point out I was nervous for starting school. I was scared to be in an environment with lots of people who I didn’t know and who could have potentially judged me and hated me the same as people had done in junior school.  Things started off well to be honest. I made some friends and I had people to sit with at lunch and break. I had friends in classes too. Things may have just started to improve. People even had crushes on me and asked me out which I kindly declined because I was interested in guys or those pretend relationships you have at that age. However, because I wasn’t allowed out my friends began to become closer and closer but without me. I was left behind and although occasionally we spoke things weren’t the same. I was lost once more.

Oh, I forgot to mention my childhood best friend came to that school too and it was so nice to see a familiar face but has five years had passed she now had her own friends. It was nice to have someone smile at you in the corridor.  Other than being really lonely, there wasn’t any major bullying in year 7. I somehow managed to avoid it and I don’t know how really but I was glad I did. Of course, in the changing rooms I would hide in corner and turn away because I was embarrassed about my body. That never changed. Year 7 wasn’t too bad at all.

Year 8 was a completely different story. This was the first time I had got cyber bullied and I remember feeling so sick and upset when I did. It was awful. Basically, I sat with two girls I had made in my tutor group at tutor time and one them was in my classes so we sat together and we started spending a lot of time together and became close.  All of a sudden you began to become distant and sad. She had a lot going off at home and home life wasn’t brilliant. Anyway, one day a member of our year group saw a sonogram posted to her Facebook (it was completely innocent of her cousin or something) but started a rumour that she was pregnant. She told me and I thought she had confided in me because she trusted me and because she was scared. Naturally I told her to speak to our tutor so she could sort it out. However, that was apparently the wrong advice and this infuriated her and she got so mad at me for understanding. Anyway, to get the attention off her she made the rumour up that it was me who had posted this photo and showed everyone to embarrass her and cause all problems. Sure enough, everyone believed her. Everyone now hated me. Everywhere I went, every class I got mean comments and notes from people. Life has just taken a turn for the worst. Little did I know that they were about to get worse. Not only did she start this rumour, she then started cyber bullying to prove to everyone just how mad she was at me.  She started texting me loads of horrible messages telling me to ‘f*ck off’ and ‘to die’ and ‘that she didn’t want anything to do with me and I was horrible person who was getting everything I deserved.’ For some reason which I don’t know why, even to this day I tried to apologise and get her to be my friend but these messages kept on coming and I am became so sad. I tried hard to hold it in but one day in class someone said something and that was it. I burst into tears and fled to the toilets. I didn’t return to class until it was lesson change over because I was embarrassed. When I did, waiting there was teacher waiting and three girls. Three girls concerned about me. It was such an uplifting feeling. In the end, I ended up spilling everything and it was so nice to have four people believe me and be on my side. For once I didn’t feel alone. I had proof everything and her admitting that she had caused everything and started the rumour and I had the messages she had sent. The teacher wanted to go to the police but I didn’t. I was scared. I didn’t want my parents knowing, which they don’t and I didn’t want her to end up in trouble. I didn’t go to the police and I didn’t press charges even though people wanted me to. I didn’t. Everyone deserves another chance and everyone makes a mistake. A few weeks later she apologised and I forgave her but I never forgot what it did to me or how it made me feel. We were never the same.

Year 9 remained pretty fine. I stayed away from people after year 8. I thought I was better on my own. I didn’t want to end up in that same situation. I didn’t want to trust people. I distanced myself. It was lonely and sad but it worked. For a year, I survived. I was okay and had no drama to deal with. I was maybe somewhat happy.

Year 10 wasn’t the same. I couldn’t have two good years in a row. That was wishful thinking. Year 10. What a year!! It all started when my crush (I had liked for him years… seriously ages) had broken up with his girlfriend and started talking to me. I was scared. I didn’t want to get close because I didn’t want to get broken or hurt. As time moved on though we grew closer and he said everything I had waited years for someone to say. Turns out she was not happy about the situation and wouldn’t let him move on. She kept talking to him and twisting his mind and manipulating him and before we even got to together we argued all the time. She was there but I thought he had moved on. He hadn’t though. Trust me I didn’t know this when I got with him. Anyway, he promised everything would be okay and we got together. His ex still messaging me and trying to make me break up with him. She was always there. She didn’t move on and leave me alone. From the moment, we I started talking to him until we left in year 11 she made my life living hell. I caught up in something I never wished I had.

I don’t know what I was thinking. All I knew is that I really liked him and I wanted to be with him even though we fell out because of her almost every day. It definitely was toxic to say the least. We did have some good times and he did help me through so much too. She consistently messaged me and made my life hell. She would always send horrible messages to me and talk about me at all school. He stuck up for her and protected her. I guess when you like someone and they have manipulated her then that’s what you would do. A month in he broke up with me to be with her, but he parents didn’t agree and so he got back with me. Again, I didn’t know this until after we split up. I just know I was heartbroken when he did because I thought I loved him even though now I know I didn’t so I got back with him despite the fact that I knew people were going to talk and she was going to be mean. When we were together she would consistently post pictures of when they had been together and put ‘I love you’ or send them to me. Day by day I felt more and more lost.

The next major issues came when I was delivering my dragon’s den pitch speech. Just before I got a phone call saying he had cheated on me with her. I just remember crying in the bathroom for ages even though I needed to go on stage. I delivered my presentation and when I got back to school he tried to talk to me but I wasn’t interested. The next day my neighbour’s son has died. We were close to them. I always remember going back to them after nursery and them giving me a chocolate bar. His death made me realise life was too short to not forgive and for second chances. So, as kind as I thought I was being, in retrospect very stupid. I gave him another chance. About 6 weeks later I found out that he had cheated again with her. I was devastated. I remember leaving ICT and crying and I ended it. I hoped everything would go away but it didn’t.  She had convinced him that I was evil and I didn’t care about him and didn’t love him. She lied about me too him and turned him against me and then he said crap about me to.

Once we had broken up they got together but I begged him not to because I knew she was planning on meeting this boy. He didn’t believe me and thought I was being mean and selfish, but I was only looking out for him.  Knew what she was like. She had cheated on him so many time before which she made me swear to never to tell him, I did anyway because it right. He didn’t believe me. A couple of days later they got back together and that hurt the most. I felt so much pain. People either want you to feel everything or nothing at all – right now I was feeling everything. My heart broke. I was a mess. I cried and cried and cried for days. Cried to sleep. I didn’t eat properly. I didn’t sleep. It was a proper first crush nightmare. I was confused as to why she hated me and spread so many rumours and turned him against. I was confused as to why he hated me and didn’t believe me. A couple of days later she had already cheated and they were apart. He messaged me to say he wish we had never broken up and in tears I said it was for the best.

That should have been the end of it right? Wrong! She never stopped making my life even when we stopped speaking completely. She created Facebook statuses about me spreading rumours and lies for the whole world to see. She dedicated and askfm page to me where she ridiculed me and post the worst things imaginable. Cyber bullying part 2 had started. He tweeted about me, she messaged me asking me to die and to kill myself. She made it her mission for the next year to make my life hell. As if one wasn’t enough. She sure as hell she did.

Year 11 and the same crap continued. She didn’t stop. It kept going on and on and I was getting very sick and tired of looking on any of my social media and just seeing mean comments. I was getting tired on just constantly receiving hurtful texts. I had hit a low. Just when I thought things couldn’t get worse someone who I thought was my friend got with my ex and I pretended like I was cool with it even though I wasn’t until some of my friend overheard her and one her friends speaking in the bathroom saying that he was good for a first kiss and then she would break up with him and it would be make me jealous. I told me what was said even though I hadn’t spoken to him ages and he shot me down as always. It was true though and that happened. Someone who I thought was my friend had turned against me, he still couldn’t stand me and by telling me I had just successfully help end another one of her relationships and she just kept going.

In all honesty, I had enough. From all the cyber bullying, threats, rumours I just couldn’t take it. Every day the insults would resonate in my mind. ‘Slut’, ‘slag’, ’fat’, ‘ugly’, ‘bitch’, ’kill yourself’, ‘die.’ I just wanted to never return to school. Others had started to join in to and I just didn’t get why people didn’t like me. Again, I know I could have gone to police but I didn’t want everyone to know. I didn’t want them to know how broken I had become. I didn’t want to hurt that guy either because he had got caught up in something he shouldn’t have. I was afraid of being bullied even more for telling. So, I kept it quiet.

It lasted all year. I couldn’t wait until leavers day and to never have to see her face again. I couldn’t wait to not have to go through this. At this point other started with rumours that I was spoilt and rich which made people dislike me even more. The final thing in year 11 that did it was when a group of people decided to play a prank of me and put a condom in my blazer pocket. Then when I went in my blazer pocket and pulled that out by mistake, not knowing it was there, everyone saw and that for them confirmed the rumour I was slut. I hated life and I was so sad. I cried and cried. However, leavers came and since I haven’t had to see any of these people again.

And that’s my story. Pretty damn long I know. Sorry!!! I haven’t made it through this without crying. It has brought so many bad memories to light and made me realise just how many open wounds there are. For those who are wondering, this was my secret. I haven’t told anyone this but now I have told all of you my secret. I never told school apart from the one occasion I mentioned. I never told my family or anyone. I lived through it alone. This is the first time I have shared my secret. This was my story.

I was a victim of bullying. However, I want to be the one to tell you that things do get better and it doesn’t last forever. This has been the hardest thing I have ever written about and spoke about. Its perhaps the bravest thing too. I feel like weight has been lifted. I have never shared this and now that I have and am unsure about how people are going to react but I feel like speaking about it has helped. I am no longer carrying around 10 years of hurt and pain all to myself. I just want to point out I don’t hate anyone, that’s not who I am. I will always hate what they have done. The guy is this by the way, he is actually the sweetest, most genuine guy who got manipulated and caught up in something so bad and as soon as he was strong enough to let her go completely out his life and stand up to her manipulative ways he was gone back to the way he was and the reason I had a crush on him in the first place. Seriously there isn’t any hard feeling between us now.

I just wanted to share this story because I want you to understand you aren’t alone and people have been through it. I have and I will understand and will always listen. Also, please don’t suffer alone through it and do what I didn’t and speak out about it. Please find someone you can trust and don’t suffer in silence. I wish I hadn’t and I wish I had got help because two years later this still all haunts me and I am still dealing with consequences. It still affects me to this very day so much. It knocked my confidence more than I can tell you and because I didn’t get help and suffered through it and only now told anyone for the first time it has taken ages to build myself back up. I am getting there though. I want to be a voice to tell you that things don’t last forever and things do get better. I am who I am because of those experiences and they made me in a stronger person and I am lot wiser and more knowledgeable. As bad as everything was I wouldn’t where I am or doing what I am without all of this and I do live a pretty great life and I have so much to be thankful for. So please remember you aren’t alone, please speak up and don’t suffer in silence and it doesn’t last forever. You will get through it and be stronger. You can do it and it is okay to not be okay.

I hope this has helped in some way for someone and thank you for staying all the way to end. I know it is long! This was the hardest thing for me to do and I am so scared and nervous about the reaction but if it helps one person then it is worth it. Thank you so much!! Much love,

Lizzie x

Instagram: @thiz_is_lizzie_xx

Twitter: @Life_WithLizzie

 

Bold Lip Makeup Tutorial

 

Hello lovelies!

Today I have another makeup tutorial to share with you and just something a little bit different, slightly edgy and I thought it would fun to play around with my makeup and go for something a bit more daring. As always I am not a professional makeup artist and this is just how I like to do my makeup, but if you do have any tips, tricks or recommendations then feel free to leave them in the comments. It’s always good to learn and develop new knowledge. Anyway lets get into it!

• First thing I did was moisturise my face with some Aveeno moisturise and then I applied my Elizabeth Arden Flawless Finish Bare perfection foundation in the shade 26 Buff and blended that in with a Zoeva buffer brush.
• Next I applied the Collection Lasting Perfection in the shade 2 cool medium to any blemishes and in the shade 1 Fair under my eyes. I blended this out with my Real Techniques Miracle Sponge.
• To set that makeup I used the Rimmel Stay Matte Powder in 001 Transparent and took a Zoeva powder brush to brush that across my face focusing on my T-zone which gets oily first.
• To contour I used my new Sleek palette in the shade medium and I just used my fingers to apply shade 6 to hollows of my cheeks and also for my jawline. I then applied shade 5 to my forehead. To make sure that it was all blended out evenly I just took an Estee Lauder brush (I think it’s a blush one…oops) and blended out all my contour.
• Next to highlight I just used my Collection highlight out of the highlight and sculpt kit and used a Zoeva 129 Fan brush to apply to my cheekbones and cupid bow.
• With face make-up complete I used the Too Faced Chocolate Bar Palette and took the shade Semi-Sweet on a Zoeva Brow line brush and filled in my brows.
• The next thing I was apply some mascara. The mascara I used was the L’Oreal False Lash Superstar X Fibre. I love this mascara. It’s incredible. It does take a while because it is a two step mascara but it’s still great. You all know I am a fan of L’Oreal mascaras. Anyway, that was all I did for eyes. I just wanted to keep them simple because I was doing a bold lip instead.
• So onto the lips. I used a MAC lipliner in the shade whirl to line and fill in my lips. Then to complete the luck I actually used my Stila Coconut Crush Lip and Cheek stain. I haven’t really used this product and the application was not that easy because I was unsure what to do, however, the result looked nice and I was impressed with the pigment.  It definitely achieved the bold lip I was going for!

That was my makeup complete! It wasn’t anything too fancy and it only took my around 10-15 minutes to complete. I liked this look because it was something different for me and was a little edgy especially since I styled it with a choker, and a white cold shoulder top with ripped, black, high-waisted skinny jeans. I just thought this all added to vibe and I curled my hair to go with the outfit. Overall, I was impressed with the look and enjoyed wearing something a little.

I hope you have all enjoyed, even though I know this won’t be everyone’s preferred look. I just fancied experimenting and doing a tutorial which was a little different! Let me know in the comments what you thought and if you have any other makeup looks you would like to see me re-create! Thank you so much!! Much love as always,

Lizzie X

P.S. GUYS I NOW HAVE HIT 2,500 FOLLOWERS!!! WHAT??? THAT’S CRAZY!! THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!!!

One Lovely Blog Award

Hey everyone!

How are you all doing? I hope you’re having a lovely day or evening and are having great start to your week. Today I am writing the ‘One lovely blog award’ which I have kindly been nominated to recieve by the lovely Gio, author of Giojoblog. So thank you very much for the nomination, I am very grateful and really do appreciate it! If you haven’t already, be sure to check out her blog. It features great content and I am sure you will enjoy reading!

Rules:

• 1. Post to accept the nomination
• 2. Thanks the person who nominated you and a link back to their blog
• 3. List 7 things about yourself
• 4. Link to the blogs you nominate
• 5. Notify the recipients of their award
• 6. Post the rules

7 facts about me:

1. My dream job would be an entrepreneur and to run and have my own business.
2. I love writing and one day hope to have a book published.
3. I want to travel the world and visit/experience as many different countries, cities and cultures as possible.
4. I am currently obsessed with watching How I Met Your Mother on Netflix.
5. I am currently training to run a half marathon.
6. I love drawing and designing.
7. I am an auntie and have two nieces and a nephew.

My nominations are:

• blenditlikesaza
• averagejadeblog

Thank you all so very much for reading and I will see you all very soon! Love you!

Lizzie X

Get to Know me!

Hi lovelies!

Today I thought I would do a blog post getting to know me. I thought I would do this by doing a 30 facts about me so you can all get to know me a little better.

1. My name is Elizabeth.
2. I’m 18 years old.
3. I’m from and live in the United Kingdom.
4. My biggest two phobias are snakes and being burnt alive.
5. Purple is my favourite colour.
6. I can play the Clarinet.
7. I am one of 7 children – I have 4 brothers and two sisters.
8. I passed my driving test this year first time!
9. I am Auntie. I have two nieces and a nephew on the way.
10. I love to travel and plan to visit most places in the world.
11. I’ve been to Auschwitz which I have explained and talked about in a previous blog post.
12. Autumn is my favourite season. I love how cosy everything is, the leaves falling, the warm fires, snuggling under blankets with hot drinks watching movies.
13. I’m 5ft5.
14. The first concert I ever went to was to see Jason Derulo. I was 15 years old and saw him play in the House Of Blues whilst on Vacation in Florida.
15. My 3 absolute favourite foods are cheese, grapes and pasta.
16. When I was 8 years old I actually got a Blue Peter badge for this show I did where I had to play a Blue Peter presenter showing people how to make gingerbread biscuits.
17. Up until I became a teenager I use to do ballroom and Latin dancing and I did really enjoy it and took many dancing exams. I wish I hadn’t been too busy being a teenager and gave it up.
18. I have never dyed my hair.
19. I don’t have any piercings or tattoos at all.
20. White roses are my favourite flower.
21. I love, love, love reading.
22. Pineapple is one of my least favourite foods along with parsnips, cooked onion and any sort of pickle.
23. Speaking of food, Magic Stars are my absolute fave. I’m obsessed with them.
24. I’m definitely the hangry type! I get so grumpy when I’m hungry, tired and cold.
25. Harry Potter has got be one of my favourite film and book series EVER!
26. I don’t know why, but I love detective/mystery dramas. I could sit and watch them all day.
27. When I was younger I took a juggling class. In this class you got taught to ride a uni cycle and obviously juggle. Needless to say, I still cannot juggle and was just terrible every week.
28. Chess use to be one of my favourite hobbies, that was of course again until I became a teen and gave it up. I don’t know why to be honest because I really enjoyed it.
29. I love photography, filming, writing and making videos.
30. My star sign is Aries.

I hope you have all enjoyed reading and finding out a little more about me! Thank you, and I will see you in the next one.

Lizzie X