Bullying My Story: Part II

Hey!

I am not 100% sure where to start with this post today so I will try my best to be as coherent as possible, that may be hard so just bear with me.  Every time I upload a personal story/experience I am always terrified about the response, but thankfully everyone has been super supportive and for that I am thankful. However, I still get butterflies every time I press upload on a post which is rather personal and exposes more of me. I feel more vulnerable and like I have let some walls down, which I built up over the years and worked hard to keep them up there. You see, once you have lived through some hard times and been through some difficult experiences you hurt and feel and incredible amount of pain and therefore you naturally build a defence system to prevent the same thing happening again. Every time I share a part of personal life with you, I feel the walls crumbling ever so slightly and I feel my heart and my soul becoming open and more vulnerable once again and trust me that terrifies me. However, I know speaking about problems you have had helps bring closure to the pain. It allows you to move past that part of your life and close the chapter. It enables you to move on and create a better future for yourself. The best closure I have found to these situations, is that sharing my experiences help other people and that is what I really what to do and so I always feel better about things knowing that I have helped someone else who was feeling the way I did. So, today, I guess I am going to share another part of my life with you all.

As most of you will know, if you have been following this blog for a while, I unfortunately was a victim of bullying and I shared my story with you in what was probably the most heart-breaking and painful post to write. If you haven’t read this you can do so here. Anyway, today I wanted to focus on another aspect on the story. Today I wanted to talk about one of the many side effects bullying has on you as a person and how you can develop coping mechanism and strategies to deal with what you have gone through, but importantly with how it made you feel.

I never sought any sort of help from anyone when I was bullied. I was a very timid person anyway, so the thought of speaking up terrified me. For me, I felt like it was just not an option. I told no one at all, not a single person knew what was I experiencing and go through every single day of my life – only me.  I kept it all a secret and kept it all in my head and didn’t even hint to anyone that I wasn’t okay. Luckily for me, the bullying did stop after I left school in year 11 at the age of 16, but after what had probably been the best part of 8/9 years, the damage had already been done. I was already mentally scared and physically drained.

Before I get into some of the side effects, I just wanted to point out, that even to this day I am still struggling with the side effects of bullying and what people had done to me. I still struggle every single day with things. I know that is my fault for not speaking out and dealing with my problems and going to therapy but honestly the thought of confronting them and speaking up scared me so much more than just dealing with the bullies daily. For some crazy reason, I had drilled it into myself that if I spoke up that things would be worse and they wouldn’t make it stop. All that speaking up would do would make me more vulnerable and increase the amount of bullying and give them new things to pull me down on and for me I just wasn’t prepared for that. However, I want to point out that YOU ARE NOT ALONE and that there are so many services available to receive help not only with stopping the bullying but also with dealing with the side effects and the impact it has on your mental health. I beg all of you, to have a little bit of courage, which I didn’t, and take the step to speak to someone who you trust because it needs to end and I don’t want anyone else suffering for even a day, let alone years like I did. Please don’t be afraid because everything will be okay!

So, the first thing I noticed that changed since the bullying started is that my confidence hit an all-time low. I know longer believed in myself and thought very little of myself. They had managed to make me feel worthless and weak. They had made me feel fat and ugly and they made me doubt myself. For me, this is such a shame because I know prior to the bullying I was the bubbliest and most confident little girl. I was always so happy and loved acting and performing and talking. Bullying took all that away from me. I hated being in front of people. I hated acting and performing. I despised talking in front of people and once I got so anxious I actually just stood and cried in front of about 200 people. The thing is, a lack of confidence effects your life in so many ways you don’t even realise. I didn’t feel confidence in myself so I would say no to every opportunity given to me because I was scared.  I missed out on so many opportunities and that really is so sad because you need to make the most of life and take every single opportunity you get given. I know longer believed in my ability in school or in any passions. I would always say “I can’t do it” even though that wasn’t true. I lost any sort belief in myself. I don’t think my confidence will ever be as low as that ever again. A few years on… I still have massive confidence issues. I have gotten so much better with speaking but I still get really nervous and have to calm myself down. I still don’t perform or act. I still have massive doubts in my ability which annoys me boyfriend and friends so much because they know I am capable of so much and wish I saw it and knew it. It is sad because I always wonder where I would be now or how many crazy experiences I would have done by now had I still been confident. I know I would still be actively involved in so many of my childhood hobbies had I not lost my confidence, but everything happens for a reason. I know that I am where I am at the moment because that’s where I am meant to be at the moment and everything in life works out okay in the end and how it should.

The next noticeable change I saw in myself was that I became a more negative person. I wasn’t optimistic and I didn’t think positively. All I could now vision was the worst-case scenario. I hated how they had turned into such a negative person and made me feel worthless. I hated the fact that I no longer felt happy and positive to life. I think this obviously coincides with the fact that I had zero confidence and in my ability, in people and in my body and it just turned very negative and it is so sad for me to even write this. To the day, I still struggle to think positively about certain aspects in life. I still struggle to think positively about myself and my body. I always have managed to see the good in people, even at my worst and that unfortunately has been my downfall but I still see the good in people. I have hope that things will get better when for years I told myself they weren’t. I now try and look on the more positive side of things although after years of seeing the worst-case scenarios I now actually have that as a coping mechanism. If I know that is the worst possible situation and I know I can deal with that, then I know I can deal with anything. It has in some ways been both a blessing and a curse.

Being bullied made me increasingly aware of other people’s opinions. I had kind of been oblivious to other people’s opinions about me beforehand because as people do say ‘ignorance is bliss’ and ‘what you don’t know, doesn’t hurt you’. Bullying brought other people’s opinions to forefront of my mind though and it’s all I thought about. It became kind of obsessive actually. Which is ridiculous really because people talk and care far less than you know. You are you own biggest critic.  I became very self-conscious and this developed my huge body issues. I was very aware that people were judgemental. I felt ugly and fat and was very ashamed of my body. I actually hated my body for years to come and I became paranoid and cared why too much about the approval of everyone else. I lived years of my life trying to please others and make them happy and like me, when really, I shouldn’t have should have just lived for me. I wasted years of my life. Don’t make the same mistakes. People opinions are irrelevant. You honestly have to do you and do whatever makes you happy because it is impossible to make everyone happy (trust me I have tired) and there is always someone who is going to want to bring you down and will be jealous. Remember a ‘lion doesn’t lose sleep over the opinion of a sheep’. Honestly when you stop caring you will be free and it will be amazing. I don’t care so much at all these days about what anyone thinks about me because I want people to like me for me and if they don’t, then I don’t want them to be my friend to be honest. I still feel conscious all the time and worry about whether I am fat or ugly which annoys my boyfriend so much because he wishes I could see what he sees and believe I wish I was confident and care free but those insecurities are going to take a lot of beating thanks to some cruel people. Luckily, I think it is all in my head from been bullied because recent comments and remarks haven’t left the same scars and insecurities.

Being bullied definitely damaged my trust and it made it harder for me to form relationships and friendships with people because I was suspicious of them and worried that one day they would no longer be my friend and bully me. I know my trust issues largely comes from another very personal thing that happened in my life which I am sure I will speak about one day but being bullied added to the lack of trust in people. I am a very guarded person and I never want to suffer and be in as much pain as I was then so I have built up so many walls I feel like they are virtually impossible to break. I don’t want to feel vulnerable again. I don’t want to ever feel that way again. Learning to trust people was super hard and scary but some people genuinely care and not everyone wants to see you fail and bring you down. I still struggle massively with trust and I feel like I always will but I will try and fix and heal the wounds.

Thank you so much for reading and sorry for rambling. Let me know if you thought this was useful/helpful and if you would like to see a part two to this! See you soon. Much love,

Lizzie X

Twitter: @Life_WithLizzie

Instagram: @libwalton_9

 

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Your Twitter Questions answered: Life advice, beauty staples and who I would have over for dinner…

Hello lovelies!

Today I am back with a Q&A because I feel like I have done one of these in ages and they are one of my favourite posts to both write and read. I also love hearing all your answers to the questions and finding out your opinions! I took to Twitter and asked you all for some questions which you would like to be answered and so here are all the answers!

  • Where do you see yourself in 5 years’ time? – So, in 5 years’ time I will be 24 years old so approaching my mid-twenties. In two years, I will be graduating (hopefully) with a degree in History.  I think short-term obviously not much is going to change. I am still going to be going to uni and working part-time at Nike. To be honest, I have no set career path of what I really want to do, but if everything was to work out perfectly I would be blogging and setting up my own business. I hope I will have travelled a lot and hopefully will have been lucky enough to experience lots of places and cultures. Depending on what happens with my career and finances, potentially have moved out of home and have my own place. I could even have been on a volunteer camp to help those less fortunate because that is something that I AM SUPER passionate about doing! To answer your question, I don’t know where I will be 5 years, probably nothing crazy will have happened, but I just hope that I am happy and healthy, doing what I love and still travelling and everyone I care for is doing great.
  • If you could have three guests over for dinner, either dead or alive, who would they be and why? – Richard III so I could find out about what happened to the ‘Princes in the Tower’ because as someone doing a History degree I would love to know the answer to that!! Jane Austen because she is one my favourite authors ever. Walt Disney because for one I love Disney and it just really confuses me that one person could have this ‘whole new world’ in their head and be this creative. It just baffles me in all honesty so I think he would be super interesting to talk to.
  • What is your life’s mission? – My life mission is definitely to be happy and successful. It is help those who need it the most and to love and care for people. I want to have travelled a tonne and experienced the world. To complete my life’s mission will be to sit down hopefully when I am old and to think I lived my life to the fullest and helped people and did what made me happy.
  • What are you thankful for? – I am thankful that I have the life that I do because I know I am super lucky to have everything that I do. I am thankful that I am healthy and able to enjoy life. I am thankful that I get to wake up every day to a lovely home, with an amazing family (even if we don’t get on sometimes – who does?) and not have to worry about food or water or any other essentials – I am so thankful for that. I am thankful for my family, friends and boyfriend. They all support me and love me unconditionally and are there for me when I need them and just always know how to cheer me up and make me laugh. I am thankful for all the holidays my parents took me on when I was younger and for all the places I get to travel to now. It is so special. I am thankful that I get spend Christmas and birthdays with all my favourite people have a lovely time. I am thankful for the experiences I have had (good and bad) and for the lessons that have gave me because they have made me into the person I am today. I am thankful for everyone who reads this blog and supports me on my other social media too, I really appreciate it! I am thankful that I get to have an education, because even though some days you hate it or you don’t want to go, it is so important and you are so lucky to have an education because not everyone can and some people would give anything to have one – I think that’s always so important to remember because honestly, I think I would be so lost if I couldn’t read or write! I am thankful for having the freedom to express myself and explore my own creativities and develop my own passions and of course thank you again to my parents for supporting them all!
  • How do you unwind after the day? – It depends on how much time I have. A pamper evening is always a good way to relax and de-stress and it also makes you feel incredible. A bubble bath again is always a good option to relax. I love going to the gym to release stress if I am not too tired. I don’t think you can beat putting on your pyjamas, having a cup of tea and watching your favourite programmes.
  • What’s your best tip/advice? – I have learnt some very important life lessons over my short life so far, and have great advice to pass on to others but I would say one the most important one and one which I think really needs to be enforced in this new age with social media, peer pressure and expectations from the society we live in today is that you must live your life for you and accept who you are. No one is the same and everyone has a different life ahead of them and will go on a different journey and that is completely fine. I think it is so important to have the courage to live the life that you want and not a life based on the expectations of others. If you live for someone else then you will never do anything you want and you will never be free and happy. You will always feel like you are letting them down or feel pressure to act a certain way or do certain things. Everyone is different and it take a very strong person to have the courage to accept that and embrace it and be proud of who they are – flaws and all. Live for yourself because I can guarantee when you are older and sat looking back through your life you would much rather be able to sit there and say, ‘I did this because I wanted’; or ‘I went here because I wanted to’ rather than having to explain your life through other people and what they wanted and expected from you.
  • What’s the worst place you have travelled to and why? – Ah this is so hard because I have loved every single trip I have been on – all for different reasons. Out of everywhere that I have been, I don’t think there is anywhere where I wouldn’t go back or disliked. I mean as always, have some bad experiences like food poisoning and injuries but I have honestly loved and enjoyed every single trip I have been on. I really don’t know. As a child, I loved my vacations to France camping, Florida to meet Mickey Mouse and Cornwall or Norfolk to be by the sea. I have such fond memories of them all and now that I have started travelling places by myself, I have still enjoyed them just as much. Let me know your least favourite vacation in the comments and why it was.
  • Why did you start blogging? – I started blogging because I wanted somewhere to properly document my life and I wanted to share my experiences/advice with others so I could help people. As humans, we all go through so many experiences and learn so much and I just feel it so important to help and share that information with people. I really care about helping people and I want to do that in whatever possible and I thought a blog was a good way to do and was also a great place to document my life at the same time.
  • What is your go to beauty product and why? – At the moment, it is the Clinique Take The Day Off Cleansing Milk. I just love this product and I am completely obsessed with it.
  • If you could travel anywhere, where would it be? – This is so hard because I want to go to so many places, there is seriously a tonne on my bucket list but right now it would probably be Bora Bora or the Maldives.
  • If you could only wear one makeup product what would it be? – A hard decision but either mascara or lip balm because I am fortunate enough that I have quite nice skin so don’t need that much coverage so mascara makes a huge difference to my face, but then without lip balm I would have the driest and the sorest lips ever. They would be horrible haha, so one of those!

So there are all the answers to those questions. I hope you have enjoyed this Q&A because I said I find it really enjoyable writing these kind of posts and answering all your questions. Please leave your answers to all the questions in the comments because I have a feeling some them would be really interesting especially the question about having dinner with three guests. Also, if you would like to be involved in my next Q&A, or would like to keep up-to-date with what I am doing, then please do follow me on my Twitter and Instagram because I am active on there all the time and would love to chat! I really hoped you enjoyed this and will see you very soon! Much love,

Lizzie X

Twitter: @Life_WithLizzie

Instagram: @libwalton_9

 

 

 

The Power of Self-care

Hello everyone!

Today I really want to speak about the importance and power self-care. The past couple of months for me, have been rather difficult and stressful, which have consisted of many changes. I have found myself changing a lot in these past couple months but I will save that for a separate blog post, however, I have really realised over these past couple of months the importance of taking care of yourself and your own health and how sometimes you have to be a little selfish and do what is best for you.  For me, I found this really challenging because I am one of those people who likes to put everyone else first and I like to make everyone happy so this has been a challenge for me. At first I did feel guilty and bad but now I feel so much better within myself and happier as a person. It was hard to take the steps but now I feel like I am in control and really taking care of myself.

When I talk about self-care, I am referring to those everyday actions that we make on a daily basis to look after our bodies and minds.  I know when you are going through a challenging time and feeling like the whole world is against you that is so hard to keep going and keep doing the things which may only seem like small things so you think skipping them won’t make a difference, but in reality they do. When I was at my lowest over these past couple of months I really didn’t feel like doing a lot at all and really didn’t feel like I wanted to make an effort but I soon realised that wasn’t helping and was in fact making me feel so much worse about myself.

Even though you may not feel like it, always make an effort with yourself and what you wear etc because it actually makes a huge difference. I really noticed on the days where I didn’t do my makeup or wear the clothes I liked that I felt so less confident and motivated. It made me feel worse about myself. One important thing I have learnt is that no matter how bad you are feeling, always get up, dress up and show up. It honestly does make the world of difference. When I had done my makeup and got dresses into clothes I loved and felt comfortable in felt 10 times more confident and therefore a lot happier within myself.  How you chose to dress and present yourself really does say more about you than you realise and trust me dressing up and putting that bit of makeup on will make you feel better. Don’t get me wrong, I am definitely one for lazy and chilled days and no makeup days and just relaxing in some comfy shorts and a top but for me I really want to start making an effort more often because it does help.

Over the past couple of months I have been doing a tonne of research into self-care and into simple changes which can help keep your brain and mind healthier and make you happier and so I am going to share with you a few other tips other than just making an effort everyday which I have really found have really started to change my life.

  • The first thing I have started to do is writing in a journal/diary.  If you know me, you know that I find sleeping for the most part incredibly difficult and I am a very light sleeper so I do struggle with sleeping. I will quite often end up waking myself up and thus I don’t ever really get a good quality night’s sleep even if I do sleep for the correct amount of time. I have really found that writing in a journal has really helped me this. It has allowed me to write down all my worries, concerns, feelings, thoughts,memories, tasks, reminders, goals etc. I have found this so helpful and this has really helped me to destress and relax at night because I have everything in my journal I know I am not going to forget anything. Also, I just find the process of writing therapeutic anyway and so this has really helped me.
  • The second thing I have been doing is reading. I am an avid reader anyway so finding time to read more was just so exciting for me. I love reading and escaping reality for a while and joining another world. It makes everything so simple and peaceful and I have really enjoyed this.  Reading has really helped to relax my mind and my body and I really have felt more at home myself with a lot more peaceful.
  • The next few things I have been doing have been to look after my skin. First I have gotten into a proper skincare routine and have been properly cleaning my skin and using face masks which really helps to purify your skin and keep your pores clear etc. I have also been making an effort to moisturise. If you know me you know I am the worst at this even though I have really dry skin. I am just too lazy and hate it but I have recently been making an effort and it has made the biggest difference to my skin. My skin feels so much better and is a lot clearer and it looking a lot healthier. Similarly, I have been drinking plenty of water and have started trying to eat better. I don’t diet because I don’t believe them. I do make sure I eat a balanced diet and still enjoy to eat pizza and chocolate etc. However, limiting the fatty food really does help to clear your skin and really does help keep your skin clear and healthy.  Eating right does make a huge difference not only to your skin but how your body feels and towards your energy levels.
  • The last thing I will mention post is that I have really just been trying so hard to let go and worry less and be selfish. I have recently removed so many toxic people from my life and removed so many friendships and relationships with people which has been so incredibly hard. It has however, in the end made me a much happier person and I really do feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I did feel really guilty to start off with and terrible for admitting that but I have got use to it and I have noticed a difference in my mood. I have started to worry less and care less about things. If isn’t going to matter, don’t stress over it. Worrying and stressing doesn’t help and only makes you feel worse. It is hard but as soon as you are able to let go of your problems and not carry them around with you every second of the day you can go out, live in the moment and enjoy yourself.

I hope this has started to help some of you who are perhaps feeling like I am at the moment. It does get better and time does help whether you believe it or not eventually everything will work out the way it is meant to. Everything happens for a reason so don’t stress it too much. Believe in yourself and have faith in your ability and your love and that will be enough, I promise you that. These difficult times are made to build us up and strengthen us and your attitude throughout the worst times in your life says more about you than you will ever realise. People do love you and do care for you and it is okay to struggle and having a difficult time. It is okay to be sad and angry or frustrated. It is okay to have a bad day and feel low. It is okay to be worried about your insecurities. It is OKAY!! You have a choice. You can live trying to met everyone else’s expectation and therefore failing or you can choose to ignore everyone and love yourself and do what makes you happy and live the life you deserve because even in your darkest of days life is still what you make it and you still have to make the most of the situation. Try and see the positives and be optimistic. Don’t hold grudges and don’t hold onto past hurt. Forgive and let go. Don’t keep that anger inside of you. Take time to care for yourself and do whatever you need to love and care for your body the way you do. You are so lucky to have the body you do and we all have insecurities and we always want to change something but it is important to appreciate your body and mind and take care of them. It really make the biggest difference and changed your life and lifestyle.

Stay strong everyone and stay true to who you are! Let me know if you want any other posts similar to this with me explaining on how I cope and deal with certain situations or if you have comments then feel free to leave them below. Much love,

Lizzie X

P.s. Follow me daily on Twitter and Instagram

Twitter: @Life_WithLizzie

Instagram: @libwalton_9

Summer TAG

Hello!!

Today I thought it would be a good idea to do the summer TAG, since we are in the middle of the summer season now.

  • Are you a summer person? – I do believe I am a summer person. I love the summer season and the warmer weather. I love being in the sun, having BBQ’s, spending evenings out chatting with friends and family. I just love the summer season because I can be outside more and spend more time doing things I love.
  • What is your favourite thing about the summer? – Erm there are so many amazing things I love about the summer season but my favourite thing is probably the fact that I can spend lots of time outside. I can go on lovely country walks, go on boats, have BBQ’s, summer outdoor parties, picnics and all that really fun stuff.
  • Do you stay indoors or outdoors more in the summer? – Definitely outdoors! I love making the most of the weather because if you live in the UK you know it isn’t that great too often haha!
  • What is your favourite ice cream flavour? – I am definitely a fan of chocolate ice cream. I love it! So anything with chocolate but I normally will get chocolate and hazelnut or something like that.
  • What is your favourite summer clothing? – My to go two pieces I have been wearing this summer so far have been a denim skirt and also playsuits. I love them both so much and they are just so comfy and cute. You can dress both up with some heels but you can also dress them both down with sandals.
  • Beach or Swimming pool? I am 100% more of a pool kind of a girl!
  • What do you like most about the beach? – Swimming in the sea.
  • What is your least favourite thing about the beach? – My issue with going on sunbathing holidays or being on the beach all the time is that I get bored. I am a very proactive person and love being busy and I just enjoy exploring. So, I am fine with relaxing on a beach for a couple of hours reading a book and swimming in the sea but after that I will want to get up and go explore.
  • What is your favourite summertime song? – I honestly don’t know. I don’t think I have one summer song. In the summer, I just like listening to lots of happy, upbeat music.
  • Favourite summer time movie? – Again, I don’t really know although I do love watching RV in the summer because I think it is a hilarious and could completely imagine it happening to my family when on holiday.
  • What is your favourite summertime restaurant? – In the summer, I really enjoy going to quaint and quiet villages and just sitting outside of a pub enjoying some food, having a drink and also having a laugh and chatting with my friends, boyfriend and family.
  • Do you or eat out more often during the summer? – It is still pretty mixed in the summer but I would say I eat out slightly more because of making the most of enjoying the weather and dining al fresco.
  • Do you party a lot during the summer? – No more than usual I would say but I would say I go to a lot more gatherings with friends and BBQs and go to the pub more and sit outside for drinks a lot more.
  • Do you spend more money during the summer? – Yes! In the summer, I constantly go on more days out and more trips. Go to the pub more and spend money on food and BBQs etc.
  • Who do you usually spend most of your summer with? – Family, boyfriend and friends.
  • Where would you go for your dream summer vacation? – Bora Bora!!!

Thank you so much for reading and I hope you have enjoyed! Please feel free to do your own version of this and tag me because I would love to see your answers to the questions as well! Much love,

Lizzie X

P.S. Thank you for 500 followers on my Instagram. I really appreciate it so much and almost at 1500 Twitter. That is so crazy and I really am so appreciative!

Twitter: @Life_WithLizzie

Instagram: @libwalton_9

Going Through The Emotions…

Hello everyone!

It appears to be the longest time since I have sat down and have written a blog post and that makes me so sad but in all honesty, I have just been so busy with life and as the title says going through all the emotions. If you read my blog quite regularly you will notice over the past couple of months I have been quite absent and haven’t been posting as frequently as what I usually do.  Truthfully, I just haven’t written much on here because I am definitely one of those people who won’t rush content and just put something up because I need to. No. I will only ever upload something if I feel 100% happy and proud of what I have done and these past couple of months I have been going through a really hard time and I just haven’t felt inspired to write or felt the need. I just wanted to keep things to myself and not put up content that I wasn’t proud of or happy with.

I know this may not appear to be the case because I have been on holiday so much these past couple of months and if you follow me on my Twitter or Instagram all you will have been seeing is my holiday photos and a rather happy me. However, that doesn’t mean I don’t have things going on behind closed doors. I post the things I do on my Instagram and Twitter because it makes me feel happy and it makes me feel better. Also, just because I only share the happy and positive moments in my life, doesn’t make me fake it just means I want to keep some privacy against some of the personal things that are going on in my life. Therefore, I don’t want to be positing about them and thus I won’t be going into detail about them on here. I just wanted to make this post as sort of an update post.

I know everyone goes through tough times and everyone is fighting their own battles that none of us are aware of so I know it is so important to always just be kind and respectful to everyone. You never know what they are going through. Life isn’t easy and even though I have taken a break from blogging I know it was the right decision and has definitely help keep some space and clear my mind and thoughts. It has been so important for me to have just switched off from everything and distance myself from everyone so I could figure out for myself what I really wanted without getting influenced by others.

Having hit the lowest point of the last couple of the months the other day, I have finally decided that it is time to move on from all this and help myself and get myself back to where I was. It isn’t always easy when you feel like the world is against you and if any of you have bad luck, like I do, when something goes wrong for me, everything goes wrong all at the same time! I know that everything happens for a reason and what will be will be.  Life challenges you to make you stronger and to give your experience and lessons which will ultimately be very important. I know that even in these difficult times I am very lucky and everything will work out okay in the end, it just takes time. Meanwhile I just need to look after myself and put myself first and love who I am and focus on doing what makes me happy and what I love. Therefore, I hope you return to blogging as usual and to just be filling my life with lots of love and laughter and to make those dark days just a little brighter.

For any of you who have been feeling like me and have been going through some difficult times I just want you to know you are not alone, everything happens for a reason and everything will be okay in the end. You just to have to believe and give the situation time and be patient with yourself and also give yourself time to recover and become stronger.

So, on a happier note, I have decided to just take control of everything and try and move forward the best I can.  It won’t be easy and it will take time but I do want to return to blogging so I hope you can just be patient with me a little longer while I get back into this and I can’t wait to be making content again. I have missed talking and chatting with you all. Also, if you have any suggestions for posts you would like to see then please them below in the comments because I am always looking for new and interesting ideas.

Much love as always,

Lizzie X

P.S. Please don’t forget to go and follow me on my Instagram and Twitter. I am active on those daily and I would love to interact with you all more and talk about more things. Recently on my Twitter I have just hit 1000 followers so thank you so much!! I do appreciate it!

Twitter: @Life_WithLizzie

Instagram: @LibWalton_9

First Year Uni Lessons… What I know now!

Hey everyone!

Today I am going to b sharing my first year uni experience and some important things I learnt along the way. I hope you enjoy and this helps you out if you are just starting university this year. Also, let me know if you can relate to any in the comments!

  • You are responsible for your university experience. Everyone’s experience will be different and unique but for you to get the most out of the experiences, it is up to you to put the effort in, be sociable, attend classes and do you assignments. You are the only one who can determine how happy you will be and it will be your choices which will shape your experience. The lessons you learn at uni are so important for your own personal development and your future and really do extend beyond the lecture halls and your seminars. University gives you so many important life skills as well as a degree.
  • These next two are unique to me I am pretty sure but the first one is I have found out that I cannot use a tin opener at all. I must have broke at least 3 this year and so eventually I had to resort to buying pull cans. I don’t know, tin openers just never worked for me.
  • I have also discovered that I am the worst at opening jars. I cannot open jars at all. Uni and opening jars usually consisted of me messaging of my flatmates, ringing my friend from another block or ringing my boyfriend to come around and open my jar for me.
  • Time management is essential. I am usually pretty good with this but uni was a whole new world and an experience I had never had and so it made things challenging. I was definitely not the worst at this (many of my friends started the night before and was working frantically on plenty of coffee until the deadline), however I was not the best either. I mean my assignments were always submitted the day before but I was always guilty of having 6 weeks to due an assignment and leaving it until a week before to start it. I do not recommend. Also, start your revision for your exams in plenty of time to avoid stress!
  • Explore! You’re free and independent. Make the most of it. Don’t confine yourself to your room and the uni. Explore the city, local towns and villages, hop on the train and go places near by. Go to museums, galleries or exhibitions. Make a real effort to go out and see different things, eat at different places and try new things.
  • Take yourself out of your comfort zone. Uni is terrifying and it is a whole new start and you will be scared and shy but take that step and be confident approach people. Everyone is in the same boat as yourself and people want to make friends and so they aren’t not going to want to talk to you if you speak to them.
  • A lock on your cupboard is a good idea!
  • Work hard but play hard.  Enjoy yourself. You’re young and you only live once so make the most of it!

Thank you so much for reading and I hope you have enjoyed this post. I thoroughly enjoyed first year and I cannot wait to see what the future holds and what next year brings. I have met the most amazing people and I am so thankful for all of them.

Also I have just hit over 500 followers on my Twitter and so close on my Instagram. So if you don’t follow those I would be so grateful if you could show me some love and follow back and say hi! They will be linked below. I love you so all so much! Much love,

Lizzie X

Instagram: @thiz_is_lizzie_xx

Twitter: @Life_WithLizzie

Marriage, YouTube and Bullies???

Hello everyone!!

Today I am answering some of the most frequently asked questions that I recieve. I hope this answers a few things and you enjoy! I always find these posts super fun!

  • Do you ever want to get married? – As a little girl, for sure. I definitely wanted to and even now I know that eventually I want to get married I am just far more sceptical and cynical. As you grow up you realise that things are not like the movies and there are lots of crazy situations that happen in life. I do want to but I know it’s huge commitment and I would be so scared of things going wrong, but yes one day I would love to get married.
  • What is your top/dress size? – I am a UK size 10 in pretty much everything, occasionally an 8 in tops.
  • Do you have any diet plans/tips? – If you have been reading my blog for a while you will know that I have struggled with my weight my entire life and now I don’t like to think of eating healthy as dieting and I know I won’t diet again because it just doesn’t work for me and it messed up a lot of things. So, for me, the best advice I can give is to eat everything in moderation; eat the correct size portions, make sure you are eating healthy and balanced diet making sure you are getting all your nutrients etc and that you are exercising and listening to do your body. Also, don’t forget to drink plenty of water!!!
  • What do you enjoy doing in your spare time? – I really don’t get that much spare time when at university and working but now summer is here I am looking forward to consistently blogging, reading, exercising, travelling and spending time with my favourite people.
  • What do you value the most in life? – I value people who love me and respect me and are honest with me. People who bring out the best in me and really want to enjoy life and be positive Oh and of course someone who can make me laugh and smile.
  • What do you do? – At the moment, I am a full-time student studying History at the university of Leicester and I am also a part time athlete at Nike.
  • What is my dream job? – My dream job would be an entrepreneur and have my own business or to be a successful author… one of those. Both would be ideal!
  • What are some of your top tips for being a teenager? – Just know that your teenage years don’t last forever so don’t worry and stress out and enjoy them. School doesn’t last forever. Don’t get caught up in trying to be popular it isn’t worth. I know how hard it is these days with social medias and getting likes and followers etc but trust me those people who are popular in school and you think you want to be like you really don’t. My boyfriend and I were chatting about this the other day and we were saying how irrelevant your popularity in school is as soon as you leave school. The girls who use to get all the attention from the lads and were getting hundreds of likes on their profile photos and Instagram photos, maybe be get like 10 these days. Honestly popularity doesn’t last forever and people move on from school and things change and you meet new people so don’t stress about it. Funny story here… I was in this tutor group with this guy for 5 years he even asked me out, which I politely declined, anyway added me back on snapchat the other week for him to send me a snapchat asking who I was. Hello!! I was in your tutor group for 5 years and saw you every day for 5 years. So awkward! Anyway, point to the story I clearly wasn’t popular and apparently not even remembered but I am and have someone who loves me and it just doesn’t’ matter. In fact, people even come to realise how much nicer and more beautiful and attractive you are in your own way.
  • Did you know what you wanted to do? – I didn’t know what I wanted to do and I still don’t know what I want to do. Which I guess is one of the reason I wish I had taken a year off and properly considered my options but nevertheless I am still enjoying university.
  • What are some of your top tips for friendships and relationships? – Friendships and relationships are a lot of effort but they are the best thing to put time and effort into and invest in. I am one of those of people who cannot be bothered with those people who put minimal effort in their friendships and just don’t take the time to care and love you. I am for sure one of those people who give 100% to everything including friendships and relationships. So, don’t waste your time on toxic friendships and relationships or surround yourself for negativity.  Just be yourself, be relaxed and chilled. Let your friends and partner do them and you do you. Don’t try and change anyone of let people change you. You be who you are and the right people will love you for who you are. Also having a select few friends that you can definitely count on his so much better than having a tonne of friends who have sometimes got your back.
  • What would you like to say to your 14-year-old self? – DON’T STRESS! Nothing lasts forever so don’t stress and worry about things. It is a waste of time and doesn’t help anything. If it isn’t going to matter in 5 years’ time then don’t stress or worry about it. It just makes you miserable and grumpy and stresses you out for no apparent reason. You start to get so confused and overthink everything and then it just goes downhill from there.
  • How did you deal with bullies in school? – I actually have a post all about my bullying experience so check that if you haven’t already because it explains everything but my main piece of advice would be to not give people satisfaction of letting them know they are getting you and annoying/upsetting you. Even though it will hurt and you will be sad for some reason bullies thrive off knowing they have achieved it so don’t give them the satisfaction and turn a blind eye to it as best you can. Some people will do anything to see you fail and fall and bullies love that. The less attention you pay to them the less they become interested in targeting you because they don’t get a reaction from it and so they don’t see the point in it.
  • Did you ever find it difficult finding out who you were? – YES! Omg it is so difficult. Especially in school because that is such a confusing time. Even to this day I am trying to figure out who I am because every day we are changing, growing and developing as humans. So, I am still struggling to figure out who I am and it is confusing and difficult. Just let it take its natural course and don’t worry and stress out. Everything will fall into place eventually.
  • Why don’t you make YouTube videos? – I do have a channel with some videos up but I don’t think anyone watches them or will watch them or find me interesting.

Much love,

Lizzie X

Instagram: @thiz_is_lizzie_xx

Twitter: @Life_WithLizzie

Life Update.. Where have I been???

Hello everyone!!

It has seriously been the longest time since I have sat down and blogged. I have just been so incredibly busy this past month and unfortunately, I haven’t got around to writing a post. I have missed uploading so much and missed just being able to chat with everyone and share what has been happening. It has felt so strange since I have started documenting you most of my life, experiences and important memories here! So, where have I been?

First, I had my University exams. The final week before my exams I just wanted to take a break from my blog and social media and full focus on my revision and exams. I just wanted to concentrate on my exams. I even booked time off work to do my exams. After my exams finished it has been so full on, which is funny really because I was now finished with my first year of Uni and didn’t have to revise. However, I was working a tonne over the next few days after finishing my exams and then my life got taken over my moving.  I had finished first year now and I needed to move out of my accommodation and go back home and it was so stressful and I had so much to pack up, especially since I was self-catered the first year. I actually didn’t realise just how much I had taken with me and how much I needed to pack up and move. Sorting out my entire room, cleaning it, taking down all my posters and photos and moving everything really did take up so much time! Also, after my exams and then working a lot of hours at work and then packing up I just felt like I wanted to take a step back and relax and actually have some time to myself so I did.

So, I moved on from Uni on the Wednesday 7th June and on the Saturday (very early in the morning), I was heading to Portugal for a week. I had so much to unpack and then I had to pack my suitcase and get travel money and sort out documents and my car ready for the journey to the airport – I really just didn’t have a minute. Also, the Thursday was the General election so I voted in that and then wanted to spend most of my time keeping up-to-date with the election because politics are important to me. After all that, Saturday came and I headed off to Portugal and I really wanted to make the most of my time in Portugal and spend quality time with my boyfriend and just enjoy living in the moment and enjoying the experiences I was having and creating amazing memories.

That’s how crazy everything has been recently. I got back from Portugal early this morning and been to work today so I am looking forward to relaxing, writing more blog posts and catching up with everything. I have so many episodes of Love Island to catch up on – let me know if you are watching it and what couples you think are a match! I am excited to just get back to a little bit of normality. I had the best time away with Portugal and I cannot wait to share my experiences with you. If you head on over to my Instagram then you can see a sneak peak of my holiday and the activities I got up to.

Thank you so much for you continued support and I hope this has explained a few things and I hope to get back to regularly posting. Again, thank you so much and I will see you soon. Much love,

Lizzie X

Instagram: @thiz_is_Lizzie_xx

Twitter: @Life_WithLizzie

 

Bullying… My story

Hello everyone!

From the title, you can obviously assume that I am going to talk about bullying but not just in general but my story. My experience and what I went through. I have thought about writing this post for so long now but bullying is so close to my heart and I think there are still so many open wounds from the bullying that I wasn’t sure if I would be able to make it through this and be able to speak about my experience. It is something so personal and raw I didn’t think I would be able to share my story. However, I know bullying unfortunately is such a common thing that almost everyone goes through that I wanted to share my story in hope that it will help, inspire or give you advice on how to cope and deal with bullying. If I knew now, what I had known then, I for sure would have dealt with the situation so much better.

Before I start I want to apologise if this isn’t the most coherent piece of writing that I have ever written. Speaking about something so serious and personal can be hard and just leave you with a lot of mixed emotions which don’t really make sense together but that is how I feel. I especially felt it was fitting to write this post this week because it has been mental illness awareness week and mental illnesses again is something I believe so passionately about and wish there was more done to help people. I wish we lived in a society where we could openly discuss how we are feeling without any fear of judgement and we could seek help to look after our minds because it is so important! I am mentioning this because the side effects of bullying can lead to mental illness issues and I just want to be just one of many people to say you are not alone, most people will go through something similar in their life and there are plenty of services to help you. Don’t feel like you are alone.

Bullying… as most of you will know or have experienced, bullying is cruel and vicious. It isolates you and makes you feel so lonely. Even though the bullying stopped about 2 years ago now one person left school, the side effects of what the bullying did to me remain. That’s partly my fault because I never sought help to deal with what I went through but I know the reason I am how I am is because of other reasons and things that happened in my life and I know I need to sort them out and I will, I am just taking it at my own pace.  My point is the pain and feelings, thoughts and deluded perceptions of yourself which the bullies make you have just don’t vanish. They just don’t disappear. They stick with you and when people have told you for so long something about yourself, it really does become engrained in you and it’s hard to change your mindset.

Anyway…this is my story. So, the earliest I can remember the bullying starting was when I was around 6/7. I was in my last year at Infant school because for me I went to infant school, a separate junior school and then onto secondary school. Also, I want to point out that names won’t be mentioned throughout this because as much as I hate what they did to me and always will and I know respecting their privacy is the correct thing to do.

Up until this point I had always enjoyed school and was the happiest little girl ever. I enjoyed being at school and participating in class and I had the biggest dreams and ambitions. Some days I couldn’t wait to go to school. That soon got turned upside down. Over the next 10 years of my school life I didn’t share that enthusiasm and dreaded going.

You see in my last year of infant school I had just lost my best friend that I had known forever because her brother and my brother were bests friends so we were always around each other from a young age, but she moved away and my best friend was gone. It was no longer me and her anymore, it was just me. I was now alone. The same year a new girl started at our school and I got asked to make her feel welcome and show her how things were done. We never really got on and safe to say she never liked me. Anyway, the bullying started when this guy in my class started being friends with me because he now noticed I sat on my own at dinner. Anyway, things started off great and we got on so well. I now had a friend to play with at break and lunch time. The other children didn’t see it that way and automatically started making fun of me. The rumours kept spreading until one day this guy no longer wanted to be my friend anymore and just ignored me all day every day. I had lost my friend again. Since he was no longer my friend now though I assumed they would stop saying stuff and spreading rumours but I couldn’t have been more wrong. They didn’t! It just got worse. Now they went from spreading rumours to getting me into trouble in class by blaming things on me that wasn’t fault and they hadn’t done so they didn’t get in trouble. I spent the most part of my last year at infant school very miserable and very lonely, often getting told off for things I hadn’t done and missing out.  Safe to say I couldn’t wait for summer!

Summer end and I was so excited to start a new school… or so I thought. That was until I found that those people who had spent the last year of infant school misery for me were my class. I was sure that I was in for another year of hell and I wasn’t wrong. What I didn’t know then though that things weren’t going to get better for some time. Again, I spent most of my time on my own pretending that I didn’t hear the pathetic rumours that were being spread about me, even though I did and they started to bother me.  When I was, younger I use to love maths, although my love for maths has certainly faded over the years. It was the only thing I was good at, or so I thought. I didn’t think I was sporty, or musically talented or could write a fantastic story but maths just came naturally to me.  Every week we would have a timetables challenge and if you got 100% the following week you would get a harder set of questions. Our teachers use to compete with us to show us how quick we would be able to do them one day. I remember one week I practised so hard, I must have done the sheet at least 100 times at home because I wanted to be the best and that week I ended finishing first, even before the teacher and they were 100% right. At the time I was so happy, now of course I know the teacher probably wasn’t even trying, but at the time it really reassured me that I was good at something. Little did I know I just started something else for the bullies to talk about. Soon I was a ‘nerd’ or a ‘geek’ or a ‘teacher’s pet’ and at the time it was awful. Now you know I don’t mind being called a nerd or a geek, for me it’s great trait, but 7/8-year-old me didn’t feel that way, especially since they were being malicious about it. For the rest of the year, that along with whatever other rumour they felt like spreading was he rest of my first year at junior school.

So, year four came around and I started thinking things would be different. The others were now in the opposite class and we had a girl transfer and I thought this could be my chance to make friends. Luckily for me we did, or so I thought. I now had a friend in the playground and didn’t wander around alone. Things started off great but then she got a boyfriend and the is boy just wasn’t nice and especially wasn’t nice to me. Soon lunches together turned into lunches alone and breaks together turned into breaks alone. I was back where I had started – alone. Then they broke up and then she wanted to be my friend again and naïve me went along with it, until they got back together and dropped me again. This time, her boyfriend and the others turned her against me for good and she hated me for the rest of her time that school until she transferred in year 5. Now they had a group and they made it their mission to make my life hell and they did. They even convinced me (well more accurately pressured me/forced me) into giving myself a ‘chicken scratch’ to then they just used that to get me into trouble my teacher. Year 4 was still no better and I was losing hope.

Year 5 was much of the same the gang v. me. The same rumours the same ‘your fat’, ‘your ugly’, ‘no one likes you’, ‘no one wants to be your friend’ and to make it worse it the seating plan for one of the classes I got seated next to one of the bullies and for tidy time I got partnered with another one of them. I just couldn’t escape.  Nothing changed.

Year 6 and my last year at this crappy place before going somewhere new and I couldn’t wait. Nothing really changed except now they started bullying me for my chess club. I had played in chess club since year 3 and always finished top but year 6 I finished top with zero defeats. A perfectly clean record. I was thrilled. Obviously, that was something to use against me. I started puberty at age 11 in year 6 and if they hadn’t made me conscious enough by telling me I was fat and ugly, they sure did when that happened. I am pretty sure I had never felt so uncomfortable in my life so far than when changing for PE and they make remarks about my boobs starting to appear or getting hips and a bum. I definitely hated the way I looked and although I would never cry in front of them they sure did make me cry. I think the worse was when they told this boy that I would go out with him and wanted to kiss him when I really didn’t. I felt so mean and terrible having to tell him the truth and just like they wanted he no longer liked me or wanted to speak to me. It seemed like I couldn’t have any friends.

So that summed up my junior school experience. I am pretty sure I hated every moment of it. I was always alone, never allowed to join in any games with anyone or sit with anyone. A few friends came and went just as quick and I was left feeling rather miserable, lonely and hating the way I looked. The once happy, confident me was nowhere to be seen. She had gone and perhaps gone forever.

So, summer ended and then came around secondary school. I was beyond excited to be going to ‘big school’ as everyone called it and to forget about the miseries of junior school. This was going to be a fresh start. A new place, new people and a new start or at least that is what I had hoped for. In my tutor group, there were a few people from my old school which I knew but we most definitely didn’t get along. For some reason, they hated me and I didn’t know why. Now I must point out I was nervous for starting school. I was scared to be in an environment with lots of people who I didn’t know and who could have potentially judged me and hated me the same as people had done in junior school.  Things started off well to be honest. I made some friends and I had people to sit with at lunch and break. I had friends in classes too. Things may have just started to improve. People even had crushes on me and asked me out which I kindly declined because I was interested in guys or those pretend relationships you have at that age. However, because I wasn’t allowed out my friends began to become closer and closer but without me. I was left behind and although occasionally we spoke things weren’t the same. I was lost once more.

Oh, I forgot to mention my childhood best friend came to that school too and it was so nice to see a familiar face but has five years had passed she now had her own friends. It was nice to have someone smile at you in the corridor.  Other than being really lonely, there wasn’t any major bullying in year 7. I somehow managed to avoid it and I don’t know how really but I was glad I did. Of course, in the changing rooms I would hide in corner and turn away because I was embarrassed about my body. That never changed. Year 7 wasn’t too bad at all.

Year 8 was a completely different story. This was the first time I had got cyber bullied and I remember feeling so sick and upset when I did. It was awful. Basically, I sat with two girls I had made in my tutor group at tutor time and one them was in my classes so we sat together and we started spending a lot of time together and became close.  All of a sudden you began to become distant and sad. She had a lot going off at home and home life wasn’t brilliant. Anyway, one day a member of our year group saw a sonogram posted to her Facebook (it was completely innocent of her cousin or something) but started a rumour that she was pregnant. She told me and I thought she had confided in me because she trusted me and because she was scared. Naturally I told her to speak to our tutor so she could sort it out. However, that was apparently the wrong advice and this infuriated her and she got so mad at me for understanding. Anyway, to get the attention off her she made the rumour up that it was me who had posted this photo and showed everyone to embarrass her and cause all problems. Sure enough, everyone believed her. Everyone now hated me. Everywhere I went, every class I got mean comments and notes from people. Life has just taken a turn for the worst. Little did I know that they were about to get worse. Not only did she start this rumour, she then started cyber bullying to prove to everyone just how mad she was at me.  She started texting me loads of horrible messages telling me to ‘f*ck off’ and ‘to die’ and ‘that she didn’t want anything to do with me and I was horrible person who was getting everything I deserved.’ For some reason which I don’t know why, even to this day I tried to apologise and get her to be my friend but these messages kept on coming and I am became so sad. I tried hard to hold it in but one day in class someone said something and that was it. I burst into tears and fled to the toilets. I didn’t return to class until it was lesson change over because I was embarrassed. When I did, waiting there was teacher waiting and three girls. Three girls concerned about me. It was such an uplifting feeling. In the end, I ended up spilling everything and it was so nice to have four people believe me and be on my side. For once I didn’t feel alone. I had proof everything and her admitting that she had caused everything and started the rumour and I had the messages she had sent. The teacher wanted to go to the police but I didn’t. I was scared. I didn’t want my parents knowing, which they don’t and I didn’t want her to end up in trouble. I didn’t go to the police and I didn’t press charges even though people wanted me to. I didn’t. Everyone deserves another chance and everyone makes a mistake. A few weeks later she apologised and I forgave her but I never forgot what it did to me or how it made me feel. We were never the same.

Year 9 remained pretty fine. I stayed away from people after year 8. I thought I was better on my own. I didn’t want to end up in that same situation. I didn’t want to trust people. I distanced myself. It was lonely and sad but it worked. For a year, I survived. I was okay and had no drama to deal with. I was maybe somewhat happy.

Year 10 wasn’t the same. I couldn’t have two good years in a row. That was wishful thinking. Year 10. What a year!! It all started when my crush (I had liked for him years… seriously ages) had broken up with his girlfriend and started talking to me. I was scared. I didn’t want to get close because I didn’t want to get broken or hurt. As time moved on though we grew closer and he said everything I had waited years for someone to say. Turns out she was not happy about the situation and wouldn’t let him move on. She kept talking to him and twisting his mind and manipulating him and before we even got to together we argued all the time. She was there but I thought he had moved on. He hadn’t though. Trust me I didn’t know this when I got with him. Anyway, he promised everything would be okay and we got together. His ex still messaging me and trying to make me break up with him. She was always there. She didn’t move on and leave me alone. From the moment, we I started talking to him until we left in year 11 she made my life living hell. I caught up in something I never wished I had.

I don’t know what I was thinking. All I knew is that I really liked him and I wanted to be with him even though we fell out because of her almost every day. It definitely was toxic to say the least. We did have some good times and he did help me through so much too. She consistently messaged me and made my life hell. She would always send horrible messages to me and talk about me at all school. He stuck up for her and protected her. I guess when you like someone and they have manipulated her then that’s what you would do. A month in he broke up with me to be with her, but he parents didn’t agree and so he got back with me. Again, I didn’t know this until after we split up. I just know I was heartbroken when he did because I thought I loved him even though now I know I didn’t so I got back with him despite the fact that I knew people were going to talk and she was going to be mean. When we were together she would consistently post pictures of when they had been together and put ‘I love you’ or send them to me. Day by day I felt more and more lost.

The next major issues came when I was delivering my dragon’s den pitch speech. Just before I got a phone call saying he had cheated on me with her. I just remember crying in the bathroom for ages even though I needed to go on stage. I delivered my presentation and when I got back to school he tried to talk to me but I wasn’t interested. The next day my neighbour’s son has died. We were close to them. I always remember going back to them after nursery and them giving me a chocolate bar. His death made me realise life was too short to not forgive and for second chances. So, as kind as I thought I was being, in retrospect very stupid. I gave him another chance. About 6 weeks later I found out that he had cheated again with her. I was devastated. I remember leaving ICT and crying and I ended it. I hoped everything would go away but it didn’t.  She had convinced him that I was evil and I didn’t care about him and didn’t love him. She lied about me too him and turned him against me and then he said crap about me to.

Once we had broken up they got together but I begged him not to because I knew she was planning on meeting this boy. He didn’t believe me and thought I was being mean and selfish, but I was only looking out for him.  Knew what she was like. She had cheated on him so many time before which she made me swear to never to tell him, I did anyway because it right. He didn’t believe me. A couple of days later they got back together and that hurt the most. I felt so much pain. People either want you to feel everything or nothing at all – right now I was feeling everything. My heart broke. I was a mess. I cried and cried and cried for days. Cried to sleep. I didn’t eat properly. I didn’t sleep. It was a proper first crush nightmare. I was confused as to why she hated me and spread so many rumours and turned him against. I was confused as to why he hated me and didn’t believe me. A couple of days later she had already cheated and they were apart. He messaged me to say he wish we had never broken up and in tears I said it was for the best.

That should have been the end of it right? Wrong! She never stopped making my life even when we stopped speaking completely. She created Facebook statuses about me spreading rumours and lies for the whole world to see. She dedicated and askfm page to me where she ridiculed me and post the worst things imaginable. Cyber bullying part 2 had started. He tweeted about me, she messaged me asking me to die and to kill myself. She made it her mission for the next year to make my life hell. As if one wasn’t enough. She sure as hell she did.

Year 11 and the same crap continued. She didn’t stop. It kept going on and on and I was getting very sick and tired of looking on any of my social media and just seeing mean comments. I was getting tired on just constantly receiving hurtful texts. I had hit a low. Just when I thought things couldn’t get worse someone who I thought was my friend got with my ex and I pretended like I was cool with it even though I wasn’t until some of my friend overheard her and one her friends speaking in the bathroom saying that he was good for a first kiss and then she would break up with him and it would be make me jealous. I told me what was said even though I hadn’t spoken to him ages and he shot me down as always. It was true though and that happened. Someone who I thought was my friend had turned against me, he still couldn’t stand me and by telling me I had just successfully help end another one of her relationships and she just kept going.

In all honesty, I had enough. From all the cyber bullying, threats, rumours I just couldn’t take it. Every day the insults would resonate in my mind. ‘Slut’, ‘slag’, ’fat’, ‘ugly’, ‘bitch’, ’kill yourself’, ‘die.’ I just wanted to never return to school. Others had started to join in to and I just didn’t get why people didn’t like me. Again, I know I could have gone to police but I didn’t want everyone to know. I didn’t want them to know how broken I had become. I didn’t want to hurt that guy either because he had got caught up in something he shouldn’t have. I was afraid of being bullied even more for telling. So, I kept it quiet.

It lasted all year. I couldn’t wait until leavers day and to never have to see her face again. I couldn’t wait to not have to go through this. At this point other started with rumours that I was spoilt and rich which made people dislike me even more. The final thing in year 11 that did it was when a group of people decided to play a prank of me and put a condom in my blazer pocket. Then when I went in my blazer pocket and pulled that out by mistake, not knowing it was there, everyone saw and that for them confirmed the rumour I was slut. I hated life and I was so sad. I cried and cried. However, leavers came and since I haven’t had to see any of these people again.

And that’s my story. Pretty damn long I know. Sorry!!! I haven’t made it through this without crying. It has brought so many bad memories to light and made me realise just how many open wounds there are. For those who are wondering, this was my secret. I haven’t told anyone this but now I have told all of you my secret. I never told school apart from the one occasion I mentioned. I never told my family or anyone. I lived through it alone. This is the first time I have shared my secret. This was my story.

I was a victim of bullying. However, I want to be the one to tell you that things do get better and it doesn’t last forever. This has been the hardest thing I have ever written about and spoke about. Its perhaps the bravest thing too. I feel like weight has been lifted. I have never shared this and now that I have and am unsure about how people are going to react but I feel like speaking about it has helped. I am no longer carrying around 10 years of hurt and pain all to myself. I just want to point out I don’t hate anyone, that’s not who I am. I will always hate what they have done. The guy is this by the way, he is actually the sweetest, most genuine guy who got manipulated and caught up in something so bad and as soon as he was strong enough to let her go completely out his life and stand up to her manipulative ways he was gone back to the way he was and the reason I had a crush on him in the first place. Seriously there isn’t any hard feeling between us now.

I just wanted to share this story because I want you to understand you aren’t alone and people have been through it. I have and I will understand and will always listen. Also, please don’t suffer alone through it and do what I didn’t and speak out about it. Please find someone you can trust and don’t suffer in silence. I wish I hadn’t and I wish I had got help because two years later this still all haunts me and I am still dealing with consequences. It still affects me to this very day so much. It knocked my confidence more than I can tell you and because I didn’t get help and suffered through it and only now told anyone for the first time it has taken ages to build myself back up. I am getting there though. I want to be a voice to tell you that things don’t last forever and things do get better. I am who I am because of those experiences and they made me in a stronger person and I am lot wiser and more knowledgeable. As bad as everything was I wouldn’t where I am or doing what I am without all of this and I do live a pretty great life and I have so much to be thankful for. So please remember you aren’t alone, please speak up and don’t suffer in silence and it doesn’t last forever. You will get through it and be stronger. You can do it and it is okay to not be okay.

I hope this has helped in some way for someone and thank you for staying all the way to end. I know it is long! This was the hardest thing for me to do and I am so scared and nervous about the reaction but if it helps one person then it is worth it. Thank you so much!! Much love,

Lizzie x

Instagram: @thiz_is_lizzie_xx

Twitter: @Life_WithLizzie

 

A very honest and deep Q&A

Hey lovelies!

Today I have a very honest and deep Q&A! I get these sorts of questions a lot and so I finally thought I would take the time to answers. It is a different type of Q&A and a lot more personal and honest and I hope you enjoy.

  • Do you find it hard to manage blogging whilst having a part-time job and going to uni? – Simply the answer would be yes. Sometimes it can be so hard to balance my time between all three especially because being a full time-student and also my part-time job is full on. When I am break from uni I am usually working 30 hours or more at work so I am always super tired. Normally though I do manage to get a good balance between all three and manage to get in some of my own time and some socialising etc but yes it can be super hard. It is going to be so hard this next month as it is exam month! Ah – I am super stressed and worried for them!
  • What makes you feel like you can trust someone? – This one is difficult for me because I used to be a such a trusting person (naive as some may say) and just see the good in everyone and then obviously you have experiences in life and you find out not everyone is like you so now it takes a lot for me to trust someone. I would say a big thing for me is that someone can be open and honest with me. I think if I can sense that someone generally trusts me and wants to be around me and be my friends and takes a genuine interest in me then I feel like I can trust them.
  • What’s one thing you would change about yourself? – I think the one thing I would change about myself would be my thighs. I just don’t like them. They are just my least favourite part of my body but they are just fine the way the are and there is always something you aren’t completely happy with me but it’s all about embracing that and learning to love yourself flaws and anything.
  • Do you consider yourself an introvert or an extrovert? – I would consider myself an introvert. I am very shy and I don’t have a lot of confidence speaking and being in front of people or putting myself out there. However, I have gotten a lot better, especially since moving away to university and I definitely talk to people a lot more and do things I would have never have done or been to shy to do.
  • If you could go back to to anytime in your life and change something when it would be? – Personally I am quite happy with how everything has turned out. Of course I have had some really bad times and they were so hard and sad but I have also had some fantastic times and I am one those who believes everything happens for a reason and if I would have changed something then I probably be who I am today or where I am today. With that being said If I could something different it would be secondary school years. I wish I had been so much confident and wasn’t afraid to be myself and just didn’t care what anyone else thought because I actually couldn’t wait for school to be over with. They just weren’t the most fantastic years of my life and I went through a lot and experienced a lot but like I said it has made who I am today and I am better because of it.  Of course as well there are times where I wish I had done stuff or said things and I didn’t or not said things or not done things or that I hadn’t been so scared and take more risks but then I always wonder that if I had done things differently would I be where I am today.
  • Do you believe in second chances? –  Yes I do actually. I am definitely one of those people who give second chances. I think it is always so much easier for someone to say don’t give second chances and walk away but no one is perfect and sometimes we do make mistakes and we mess up and we all deserve a second chance. I mean of course I will have my limits where I just think enough is enough and that’s not something I want to give a second chance but I am a very forgiving person and I don’t like holding so even if it is something that I don’t think I would give a second chance, I will still forgive you for it. Otherwise I will just be holding onto something I can;t let go off and that’s just unhealthy and not worth it. I definitely believe though that more than once isn’t a mistake and is now a choice they have made so I am one for second chances but not someone who gives lots of chances.
  • What did your past relationship teach you? – Not be so naive. I was a naive young person and always saw the good in everyone and didn’t really think people could be mean and thought everyone was as nice as me or had the same sort of feelings and heart as me and people really don’t. I think it just taught me to be stronger and not be as trusting and just to take things steady and not to be your trust in someone straight away.
  • What is one of the most important things you have learnt so far? – That some people are brutal and some people will do anything to see you fall and be miserable. Seriously some people can be so cruel and rude, which I seriously don’t get. I don’t get why bringing someone else down makes you feel good about yourself. I really don’t get it. I don’t get either how people can be so mean and why they feel the need to pick up on certain things or comments or judgements. It’s not any of their business most of the time and isn’t their life, so even if it isn’t something you personally don’t agree with then okay that’s fine but it’s someone else’s life and someone’s decision. I really just will never understand all the mean and rude comments people will say to you and put you through and will never understand why people say those things but I have just learnt now that some people are always going to be mean and rude and would love to see you fail and you just have to realise you’re worth more than that and you are better than those comments.
  • If 10 year old you could see you now how do you think she would feel? – I think this is hard because you don’t necessarily have a plan and don’t know where you will end up or what you will be doing. I know for sure that what I wanted to do at 10 years old I am not doing now. However, I think she would be proud of how far I have come and how I have persevered through all the challenging and difficult times. I know for sure there will be moments where she would have wished I would have done things differently and I know for sure you would be made at me, for still even to this day, not believing I can have my dreams but for the most part I think she would be proud.

Thank you so much for reading and I really hoped you have enjoyed. I will see you all very soon. Much love,

Lizzie X

P.S. leave requests in the comments or any answers to the questions but I always love finding out your answers!

Instagram: @thiz_is_lizzie_xx

Twitter: @Life_WithLizzie 

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