Damaged

Hello everyone!

Welcome back to another post. We are now approaching the mid-point of January and so far things have been going okay really. I have started my fitness and eating plan, which is going well and so I feel great about that. Also, I have started back university yet as I don’t have any January exams which is really nice and I am definitely really pleased about that! However, like any year I always get ‘January blues’ and I have no idea why to be honest. I am always super excited for the New Year and always have great goals and ambitions for the new year but in January I was always feel it. I think it’s probably because it’s just after Christmas and the New Year and work and everything starts again and you have just enjoyed taking a little time off to spend with your loved ones. Anyway, I today I am going to talk to you about something quite personal and something which I have been able to reflect on, especially after a rather stressful year last year but also after a couple of years with a lot of change and challenges for me. Taking a break from work and uni so far has allowed me to really reflect on my life so far, especially the past 3 or 4 years where so much has happened, so that I can make positive changes to things this year.  Normally I don’t have this much time to properly reflect on the previous years so I can decide and what went well and what changes I would like to make to ensure I make the most out of the new year.  So today I am talking about being emotional damaged, something which I know am and which in previous years has held be back from things.

Things probably changed for me about just over four years ago, for me now, which places me in year 10 at school. Until then I had just dealt with normal teen struggles (bullying, fitting in, body confidence and finding out who you are as a person, deciding whether you wanted to stay on at sixth form or college) – those sorts of struggles. They weren’t really nothing that I hadn’t been able to get used to over my school life –  especially the bullying, popularity and body confidence. I had those problems for years prior to this so I had come quite accustomed to those struggles.

I was very much a person who wore their heart on the sleeve. I was rather naïve really. I thought everyone was nice, just like me and didn’t want to hurt anyone and had genuine intentions. Little did I Know!! Some people say I was I brave for wearing my heart on my sleeve and seeing the best in people, but others just argue I was stupid and I totally get that. I was! I was naïve and just saw the best in everyone even when they weren’t that nice to me.  However, from the hard way I realised that people really weren’t the same as me. If you go through your life thinking people have the same heart as you, you will get hurt. Unfortunately, people just are no that kind.  Believe me I learnt this the hard way. Even when people were horrible to me, I refused to believed that they were horrible and still always spoke about their best bits.

Anyway, year 10 was when I began becoming interested in my boys and relationships. I don’t know what I was thinking! No matter how bad things were, looking back I wouldn’t change what happened because it has shaped me into a much wiser and stronger person. I think from this moment on, my life collapsed and things were a disaster for me.

So, I liked this guy and did tried so hard to impress him but he was with someone else, so I just moved on and said nothing and kept my feelings closed. Months later though, they broke up and we started talking. Yes…mistake number one you can already see right there. I was a rebound. Little, naïve me at the time didn’t realise this though and was so happy with the fact we had started talking. It never even occurred for me because I thought they were so nice. Anyway, I didn’t find out a lot of this information about the relationship until I broke things off. However, the whole time we were talking, he was still speaking to his ex, which I didn’t realise otherwise we wouldn’t have dated. I didn’t know that so we started dating after a whole load of drama which I don’t want to go into depth about for personal reasons. Things were never easy because his friends didn’t like me and my friends didn’t like him for how he was treating me and to be honest you know how school relationships go, everyone get involved and it ends up making the situation ten times worse! Things went on and we continued to date but we hardly saw each other because of my strict parents and everything but that is a whole new story but what happened with my parents affected much later on really. He told me he loved and that I was beautiful and I believed him. I was so stupid right then. There were always quite a few problems because of the various parties who kept getting involved. Anyway, I remember this day vividly unfortunately. I was at a competition for Dragon’s den getting ready to present my idea, and if you know me you know I hate speaking so I was terrified anyway, but just before I had to go I got a text from my best friend saying that he had cheated. That day I literally felt like my world had ended and things were a nightmare. I cried so hard. I couldn’t understand it. He was still in love with his ex and I was just a rebound. It absolutely broke me and destroyed me. I ended because I had the power to say that I wasn’t going to be option and so removed the choice from him.

The situation is made worse by the fact that she is horrible and didn’t deserve him at all. He could do so much better than her. He was funny, cute and intelligent. He was so talented and he was great. She had messed him up so bad with her cheating on him and his persuasive lies. She knew exactly what to say and do. Even after all the lies, messing me around and cheating I didn’t hate him – not even close. I felt sorry for him. He had lost someone who supported him and though the world of him for someone who didn’t care less. It was so hurtful. I was a mess. My first crush, love and heartbreak all in one.  I loved him or so I thought. Now I know it wasn’t love. I didn’t know what to do with myself. How could someone betray you like that and use you? How could you lie to someone and hurt them that way?

It was all far too much, especially if you consider the months of arguments and falling out because of lies and rumors whilst we were talking. I can’t even begin to describe to explain some of the stuff. What he doesn’t know is how much I took for him. I was willing to look past the rumors, lies and hate to be with him. I even with stood all the bullying from his ex. The bullying was a whole new level. It went way too far but I took it all and never told him. She would spread rumors about me, spend me horrible texts messages all the time and get her friends to do the same, write statuses about me, spread rumors on the internet. You name it. She did it. She made my life a living hell and continued to until the very day when we left school at the end of year 11.

Of course, I kept all this to myself I didn’t want anyone to know what I was going through. The bullying kept getting worse, got even more intense. I began to hate myself. I use to cry myself to sleep at night. Some night I couldn’t sleep or eat because I was so sad. My life had been completely normal and within about 6 months by life had become a mess. I had been a rebound and joke of the school and the victim the worst cyber bullying and bullying I had ever experienced. From then on… I just wasn’t the same and never have been.

The worst part was I didn’t understand. I didn’t understand how cruel people could be. I didn’t understand why people felt the need to tear others apart to make them feel better about themselves. I didn’t understand why people we so vindictive and cruel. I could never do the same… I would never be able to hurt them the way they hurt me.

I never really moved on from him. Things didn’t change. He did apologise after she cheated on him and made him feel so bad about himself. He knew what he had done and how he had made me feel. For a time, we were friends. I don’t hold grudges. I forgive people. I just do. I don’t see the point of holding onto hate. I just never forget. I couldn’t change the past so I needed to let go and accept it. I liked him too and secretly I knew he was a really nice person and he is everyone. Things didn’t really improve though. We went through a phase of liking each other again only for me to find out he liked someone else. Then we started seeing each other a couple of months later but that ended when I knew he liked someone else. In fact, she was one of my best friends. I Knew as well she didn’t like him. She wanted to have her first boyfriend. I had to watch the guy I loved, be with my best friend. In fact, he even asked for my advice on how to get with her and of course I helped them both. I still wanted him to be happy even though I told him her intentions. Of course, he didn’t believe me and thought I was just saying that to keep them from being together. He soon realised though. This time it was too late. I was gone. After that we didn’t speak again for a long time. We didn’t speak again for months and months on end. I had taken enough.

No, I don’t hate this person at all. In fact, we are now best friends. I felt sorry for him too. He put his faith and trust in all the wrong people and it got broken and he didn’t know how to recover. Everyone makes mistakes. I made mistakes when we went out. I know that and admit that. I know who I am and I know I am not perfect and I am a difficult person to be with. I am very guarded. We were both victims and both damaged in our own way. I am glad he has managed to work past through what happened and how he got hurt because now people can see him for how amazing he is. He is really nice person and pain changes people. He was hurting. Anyone could see that. She treated him so bad and was really awful to him. He tried to move on but whenever he made progress she would bring him back down and make him feel like he couldn’t move on. I’m glad he has though because now I can see him for everything I thought he was and it is nice to see the person I knew he was. I never gave in because I knew that just wasn’t him. I am glad we are such good friends because he is great friend to have!

For me, things were harder. Going through that, on top of all the other stuff which I am sure I will share at some point if I am feeling brave enough killed me. It killed me to see him happy with someone else. It killed me every time we walked by each other. Every time we looked at each other. I couldn’t have been humiliated any more. I couldn’t have felt worse.

I was a mess. I was so broken. I couldn’t let anyone in. Some of friends asked me out but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t hurt him. I just couldn’t move on. Those two years in particular were the two worst of my life. Last year was bad but for another reason and last year I did have some fantastic times.  Those two years were dark times, filled with hate and tears.

The problem was I had put everyone else first. I then taught them that I could be a second option. I won’t change this though. I am just not a selfish person. I love helping people and for me that comes first. Everyone else and their needs come before mine. That’s how I am.

Pain does change people and that’s okay! My luck with guys didn’t get any better. Another guy liked me the same year and we spoke but he too lied to me. Pain has changed me and I won’t ever be the same. I just can’t be because I am too scared of getting hurt again.

I definitely wouldn’t change going through this though because it has helped me so much and made me who I am today. I know I don’t need to prove my worth to anyone. If they don’t love me for who I am and accept that then I don’t belong with them and that’s fine.

Going through what I have has taught me to stay strong. I created a lot of my heartbreak because of my high expectations but I am not going to apologise for that. I have principles and a moral compass and I would only be betraying myself if I didn’t stand by them and I am not prepared to that. If someone cannot respect boundaries and morals then they aren’t for me.

I thank this experience because it has shown my strength. I didn’t know how strong I was until I was torn apart my people to barely nothing. I felt worthless and useless. I had never felt worse about myself. They say damaged people are the most dangerous because they know they can survive and I agree. I have been at my lowest and I know I can get back up and keep moving forwards and that’s a great lesson to have learnt. No matter what someone throws at me now. I know I can make it through it and come out the other side much stronger and a better person.

I have been through more hell than what you know but that’s what give my beauty an edge. Its raw, unperfect and damaged. I am emotionally damaged and scared but that’s what makes me so pretty and fierce. It’s beautiful that I can still love and trust even though I have been hurt and damaged.

I know trust takes years to build up but can be destroyed in seconds with one mistake. I am careful about who I trust. I trust virtually no one. Everyone in my life has lied to me, turned against me and left me. They have broken promises and I don’t hate them for it. I thank them. I know now the value of trust and that you cannot just trust anyone. Trust is special and should only be given to those who deserve it.  At the end of the day. Every time you form a relationship or friendship you take a risk.

I believe at one point I felt so much and so much pain, I felt nothing at all anymore. I had felt it all. I became numb. I was so young and so damaged and still am. It still messes me up now. I have huge trust issues, paranoid and so insecure about myself. I will always wonder what I did wrong to deserve what I went through. It completely broke the faith in me. I want to be able to trust again and not be so paranoid. Not being able to sleep or having nightmare every night isn’t fun. In some ways, I want to be my old self. Where I wore my heart on sleeve, saw the beauty and good in everyone and saw the world to be the fantastic place it is. I know now though it’s not realistic. To save myself form more hurt, I cannot be like that! I wish too that I didn’t push people away out of fear of getting hurt again/ It make me hard to love because I am guarded. I feel more than most people, but I have put up certain defenses to not show this so I don’t get hurt again.

It’s sad too because he had built me up to feel fantastic and then it all fell apart and shattered right before my eyes. No reason or explanation. I am damaged and vulnerable but I am no less valuable.  For me, the scars you cannot see are the hardest to heal.

However, being this young and damaged isn’t going to set me back. I have still have had some fantastic years and moments since. Some of the best memories and experiences of my life. One thing it hasn’t done is damaged my ambition and dreams. I still set goals way beyond what I can reach. I know I can make it though perhaps one day.

I find people who have been through what I have inspiring. No matter how challenging or difficult their lives get or how damaged someone is, there is nothing more inspiring than their courage to put on a smile and to love for others and see the good in them. I know the most beautiful people are the ones who have known defeat, known suffering, struggle, loss and have found their way out of those horrible depths.

The point to all this is rambling is that even though I don’t appear it, I am damaged but aren’t we all. Those experiences as terrible as they were and taught me some of the best lessons in life and have given me some of the wisest advice.  It’s okay to be damaged and not be okay! I promise you. Time heals things and you have to din your own coping mechanisms. It’s about taking those experiences and learning from them to build yourself and support your future. You can’t change the past however terrifying it was, but you can change the future. It’s not nice living through it, especially with the consequences it has upon you but you can’t keep re-reading old chapters. You can’t progress.

So, that’s the first time I have spoken about this ever. I don’t know how I have done but I know I have been an emotional mess writing. I am thankful for writing this though because this where I can draw the line and move on. It’s over. I am not continuing to drag this into this year like I have done in previous years. I will always be damaged and that’s okay as long as I use the lessons wisely. I cannot believe how tears this has provoked but thank you for listening and reading this. I hope It helps you on some way and I appreciate your support and for allowing me to be pure and raw and open about my feelings. It’s nice to be able to speak about them and feel safe and secure so I can now at last close this chapter and start a fresh. Thank you for the lessons! They will come in good use! Of course, I am still going to have feelings about this they aren’t ever going to go away entirely but I sure try my best. Thank you so much and I love you all lots!

Lizzie X

DON’T STOP BELIEVING IN YOURSELF!