Now I know that I have already posted today but writing always seems to make me feel better. Although I am not one to open up and share everything in my personal life, so much has happened recently I just feel I need to get my emotions out there.
This year particularly has been incredibly hard for me. I have experienced the death of my grandma, tried to cope with A-levels, university decisions of which has caused so much drama, like one could not imagine, and tried to manage relationships.
I would like to say I probably did the best I could and get through the situations and to a certain degree that was true, but recently it has all got too much and I pushed away the people I needed.
I’m not here to moan and make life out to be horrific because I know there are so many more people with bigger problems than I have, but a problem is a problem and still means something to the person going through the situation.
I’ll be the first to say what I am going through isn’t easy and I will also admit I don’t think recently I have handled it particularly well. I’m only human though. I’m not perfect and I make a lot of mistakes all the time. I just wish now I would have controlled and handled things a lot differently. It’s so hard in the heat of the moment to think about what’s best.I was so torn, confused and hurt by what people were saying I didn’t know what to do or say. Instead I let it build up, and my first piece of advice would be to not bottle things up.
Speaking my emotions though is just something I’m not particularly good at. I can’t open up easily. I am very much guarded and have my guard up that I find it hard, especially when everyone is against you and especially when it’s the people who are supposed to love and support you no matter what and they aren’t, I just couldn’t do it again. I had tried so many times and failed, it wasn’t getting through to them. I began to get so frustrated with myself because I didn’t want to care but of course I was going to. I became an increasingly difficult person to be around. I would just take everything out of proportion and push people away.
I certainly didn’t like what all the hurt, anger and resentment was doing to me and the destructiveness it was causing within my relationships. I am a strong person usually but this year has been a real test even more so recently and I really despise myself for who I have been and how affected I have been.
I’m my biggest critic and always will be. I’m always so hard on myself. I know I only have myself to blame for not handling what’s happening properly, but it’s scary and it hurts. I know I am sorry and I am going to work so hard everyday to get out of these issues without affecting other people. I’m not going to let people tell me what to do anymore or control the situation or my life, because at end of day I need to do what’s best for me and will make me happy with or without their support.
Everyday I wake up with a smile and a new beginning, chance and opportunity to grow as a person and achieve and also learn from mistakes. I’m hopeful tomorrow will be a much better day and the start of a new game plan to make changes for the better.
I hope I haven’t rambled too much and sounded too moody, and I promise I will be back tomorrow with my usual posts. I do feel a lot better after writing this!
Lastly I wanted to say a big thank you to my boyfriend for his continued support and love no matter what, my friends for always having my back and all of you who read my blog and like and comment on my posts. You’re so supportive everyday and your comments are incredible and so lovely and genuine and never fail to make me smile. I love you all and thank you so so so much!! I’m forever grateful.